Great moments in regulation – edition XXXVII

Congratulations from all right thinking people to Steve Bracks’ Government in Victoria. We’ll be accompanying our daughter Anna to the Children’s Hospital for her to participate in a ballet concert for the entertainment of the kids in the hospital as they battle various ailments from the painful to the life threatening.

Naturally during the ten minute performance (or perhaps before or after it) some of the parents’ minds might turn to child molesting. They might also go rummaging through the childrens’ records in flagrant violation of their right to privacy (Who amongst the parents can honestly say that they haven’t at least considered doing so at one time or another?).

Fortunately the government has stepped in to deal with the situation. Anna’s volunteer ballet troup must circulate and then record signed and witnessed statements from all of us parents (over the fold) that we’ve not been up to any nonsense, or ever been suspected of it and that we’ll respect the children’s privacy.

Naturally I breathed a big sigh of relief as my wife signed herself as the witness to my own declaration. Of course a child molester might sign a false declaration I guess, but then how are they going to get a witness? huh? Not only this but the government is committed to “removing unnecessary regulation”.

I s’pose a child molester might forge a witness’s signature.

Still, nothing’s perfect. And it’s a bit difficult to deliver on “removing unnecessary regulation” if you don’t create any. So full marks to the Bracks Government for doing all it can. Victorian Troppodillians can all sleep that little bit more soundly tonight knowing that child molesters have been stopped dead in their tracks (well the one’s that won’t sign false declarations anyway).

And that’s got to be good for all Victorians (well except the aforementioned class of child molesters).

Child Protection Assurance

Please read carefully:

By accepting this placement, you are taken to have given the Children’s Foundation an assurance that you have not:

(a) Been found guilty by a Court of a sexual offence against the person of a student or child; or

(b) Been dismissed from any previous employment on the grounds that you were involved in improper conduct of a sexual nature with a student or child; or

(c) Retired or resigned from your previous employment following allegations that you were involved in improper conduct of a sexual nature with a student or child, or

(d) Been advised by any employer that your name has been included on a list of those not to be employed in a child-related area of activity.

If you cannot give this assurance, you should not accept the placement as a Volunteer with the Children’s Foundation. If you accept a placement as a Volunteer with the Children’s Foundation when you are not in a position to give such assurance, the Children’s Foundation may cease your placement without notice.

Name:

Signature:

Confidentiality Agreement

I (Full name) recognise that as a volunteer of the Children’s Foundation, I may learn certain facts and have access to records that are of highly personal and confidential nature.

I understand that such information, which includes medical condition and treatment, relations with family members, names and addresses of individuals and their friends and family, and other records pertaining to volunteer workers, staff and clients is Confidential Information.

I agree that I will not disclose any Confidential Information to any person who is not employed by or a volunteer for the Children’s Foundation unless I have received the written authorisation of the Chairman of the Board of Directors or a written consent of the person(s) to whom the information relates.

Name:

Privacy Statement

Signature:

I consent to the Children’s Foundation collecting, using and disclosing personal information about me to the extent necessary to assess my application to be a volunteer and if I become a volunteer in connection with me providing my services to the Foundation as a volunteer as located in the National Privacy Principles, contained in the Privacy Act 1988. 1 agree to comply with the Foundation’s policies and procedures whenever I am involved in collecting, using and disclosing anyone’s personal information.

We value our relationship with you and will treat any personal information we collect from you carefully. The Foundation will not disclose your personal information to anyone else without your consent, the Foundation is bound by the National Privacy Principles contained in the Privacy Act 1988.

If you provide personal information to the Foundation for the purposes of making a donation or seeking more information about the Foundation, your details will be retained by the Foundation. We may use this information to send you promotional and fundraising material, unless you indicate that you would prefer not to receive it.

You have certain rights to access personal information we hold about you. If you would like to find out more about this, or you have any queries about how the Foundation handles personal information

Name:

Date:

Signature

Witness:

Signature

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5 Responses to Great moments in regulation – edition XXXVII

  1. To teach a bunch of Adults Oil Painting in a short course of 32 hours a week for 10 weeks my mate has to undergo a police check. Info direct to the admin person who I suspect also doubles as the aerobic instructor – or vice versa.

    When I send a small parcel of CDs of photos or anything overseas to my daughter or my brother or friends I have to put my name and address and phone number on a sticker attached to the envelope and also declare there are no explosives in the parcel. I also have to flash my drivers licence and have it recorded.

    And re child sexual molesters. The biggest number of physical assault, sexual assaults and homocides on children are perpetuated by family members and relatives.

    “Don’t get all rational and factual on me”

  2. oops not 32 two hours a week – 2 (Two) hours a week.

  3. James Dudek says:

    My favourite is the US Immigration forms that require you to declare that you haven’t committed genocide…….

  4. whyisitso says:

    “We value our relationship with you and….”

    Sounds just like the mechanical voice at the end of those 13 and 1300 numbers you ring in a vain attempt to speak to a human. Totally meaningless, and in most cases manifestly false.

  5. Sal says:

    Off topic, but I’d like to hear some opinions about the “nude negro law” they want to pass down south.

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