My baby she wrote me a letter

Dear President Yudhoyono

Or can I call you Susilo? We like to use first names here in Australia. It’s a sign of informality. It indicates that you’re not wanting to be stand-offish. If you like we can go with middle names so that’d be Bang Bang right? You can call me Tone, or even John If we’re doing middle names

Anyway I gather from reading the papers that you’re a little bit cheezed off. Well let me tell you I am too. It was the previous government that may or may not have done the things that I refuse to confirm nor deny. It’s their fault. It’s also the fault of exceptionally highly paid journalists on the taxpayer teat who seem to think that having a free media means that they are allowed to freely publish whatever they feel is newsworthy. You’ve asked for a promise that it’ll never happen again, and let me say that my people are working on it as we speak. These journalists will regret ever humiliating you, and I for one will make them pay.

I know you feel let down by a good friend, and I just want to say, I know how you feel. Australia’s very very good friend and superpower, the United States has let us down by being sloppy with certain information, the veracity of which I can neither confirm nor deny. But let me just say that we’re sticking by them even despite their foul ups, and I fully expect them to stick by us. I’m betting they’ll drop you a line in a couple of days just to say hello and they might take the opportunity to re-iterate that they are indeed sticking by us.

Now, I understand that you’re after a grovelling apology. You will of course understand that I can’t apologise for things that I was not responsible for. As I’ve said. All that stuff that we’re neither confirming nor denying – well I can’t apologise for that. And I can’t apologise for the fact of its publication in our free press, because, well – my friends in the conservative media haven’t been able to cow them into submission yet, and I’m not quite ready to dismantle the ABC. Some things take time. So the things that I am in a position to apologise for are the things that have happened since the publications, and that means the public utterances from my government and the way they’ve been received by your good self.

So let me say now that I deeply regret that Indonesia has not taken my statements regarding the importance of the strategic relationship in the generous manner in which they were intended. I am deeply deeply sorry that you have taken such offence at what, in my mind, were quite cleverly crafted words designed to appear to say something without really giving away much at all, and finally I am sorry in a deeply apologetic but manly way, that you are allowing Indonesian internal politics to upset this incredible fantastic relationship that both countries have.

Why not pop on over to the Lodge when this is all over. We can knock the top of a lager together. By then we ought to have a bit more aid money we can sling Indonesia’s way as well courtesy of a supine public broadcaster and some very grateful friends in the commercial media.

Yours in a manfully apologetic way,

Tone (John) Abbott – PM

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13 Responses to My baby she wrote me a letter

  1. hammy says:

    Abbott is by far the most incompetent occupent of the office PM this country has ever had. The G-G really needs to step in and dismiss him. She has much sounder grounds than Kerr had in 1975.

  2. Rex says:

    According to Andrew Bolt, there’s a group of savage leftists going by the name Abbott haters, and led by the Fairfax press. I hope Hammy, that you’re not getting mixed up with the wrong crowd. Before you know it there’ll be a law against wearing a beret whilst gathering in groups of three or more. Personally I haven’t made up my mind about Tone yet. He might surprise me, but he probably won’t. The sooner he realises he’s Prime Minister though, and not the Opposition leader, the better for all concerned.

  3. Pappinbarra Fox says:

    “I can neither deny nor confirm the bleeding obvious” Cheez, they must think us fools. But really only 53% of us are fools.

  4. Fyodor says:

    Jaysus. Kids, you lost the election. Get over it.

    Abbott’s a numpty but the confected outrage over this storm in a teacup is quite OTT.

  5. Rex says:

    Fyodor, I’d say the outrage being confected is from the conservatives, and arguably the Indonesians. Don’t see it anywhere else.

  6. Pooper says:

    Blame Murdoch.
    For anyone who somehow doesnt know.. (None of you Im sure but it cant hurt to spread):
    The vast majority of Aussie News is run by an organisation called News Media. When I saw ‘vast’ i mean all the news that the general public consumes daily. Rupert Murdoch runs News Limited and made no secret out of the fact he wanted Abbott in charge. Rupert Murdoch is the reason we are run by a joke like Abbott and should take accountability for his incompetence… Or at least apologise.
    Please be sure to google what the Australian independent news channels wont manipulate you.. and this isnt some conspiracy theory either its the world we live in.. SBS, the Guardian, The Sydney Morning Herald, ABC news should be okay off the top of my head?? If anyone has any ideas for publicity stunts write them below:

  7. Pooper says:

    okay maybe not the ABC just yet!

  8. Gummo Trotsky says:

    ‘Abbott’s a numpty…’

    And there’s a neat little three word slogan for the next election: Dump the Numpty.

    I would add that I’m still waiting for that adult government that will treat me like an adult that the numpty promised, but I suspect I’ve just compromised my claims to adulthood.

  9. murph the surf. says:

    It it too early to suggest there are now public manifestations of Abbott Derangement Syndrome?
    Really – to me , it was like the big kahuna just flipped a switch once the election result was finalised.
    The frothing was the same quality , the actors had just all jumped simultaneously.
    Eastasia was, is and will always be the enemy!

  10. Gummo Trotsky says:

    {Is] it too early to suggest there are now public manifestations of Abbott Derangement Syndrome?

    That depends on which type of Abbott Derangement Syndrome (ADS) you’re talking about.

    If it’s Wingnut Abbott Derangement Syndrome (WADS) or the closely related Quadrant Abbott Derangement Syndrome (QuADS) then no, it’s not too early because both syndromes (the former affecting invitees to the Dudgeoneer’s Dinner at Kirribilli House, the latter mainly affecting this lot) are post-election transmutations of Gillard/Rudd Minority Government Derangement Syndrome which was prevalent from 2010 to late this year.. Both syndromes share one major symptom: those afflicted are as deliriously manic as a swarm of dung beetles in a paddock full of cows with diarrhea.
    If you’re talking about Miners’ Abbott Derangement Syndrome (MADS) then the situation is ambiguous. Granted, this morning’s Age reported that BHP-Billiton is backing Tony Abbott’s ‘direct action’ approach to mitigating CO2 emissions suggesting an epidemic of acute MADS among their senior mangement. Whether Clive Palmer has MADS we’ll learn when the Senate votes on the repeal of the carbon tax and the repeal of the MRRT.. Bear in mind that PUP Senators’ positions and Clive’s response to the outcome of the Senate vote on these issues is just as likely to be an expression of his personal interests as a manifestation of MADS.
    If you’re talking about ‘Progressive’ Lefty Abbott Derangement Syndrome (‘P’LADS) – or the closely related Extreme Greenie Abbott Derangement Syndrome (EGADS) – I’d say the evidence ain’t quite in yet. I’m not really in a posityionb to comment on this last possibility since I’m not sure whether my current attitude to the Abbott Gummint is a symptom of ‘P’LADS or DADS (Disillusioned Abbott Derangement Syndrome). If it’s the latter condition, it’s one shared by Andrew Elder, Harry Clarke and plenty of others who are disillusioned with the current state of Federal politics.
    Given all the varieties of of ADS which are currently infesting the Australian body politic, my prognosis is that it won’t go away before 2016. Even that optimistic prediction assumes that Broad Spectrum Abbott Disillusion Syndrome will sweep through the Australian populus, resulting ultimately in Abbott’s ouster from Prime Ministerial office.
    I give Tony Abbott’s Prime Ministership until early 2017 at the latest. After that, no matter who becomes Prime Minister, the question of who has been the worst Australian PM since Billy Big Ears will, I’m sure, remain settled for the rest of this century.

  11. hammy says:

    I give Tony Abbott’s Prime Ministership until early 2017 at the latest.

    Quentin Bryce can and should end this farcical situation in 2013. Australia just can’t afford to wait until 2017. He will kill this country’s international relationships well before then.

  12. hammy says:

    Come on, Ken Parish, I’m sure you can give us some good legal reasons why the G-G should step in now!

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