And what’s causing the dark streaks?

One theory is that women don’t edit Wikipedia because it is an ”obsessive fact-loving realm that is dominated by men and…uncomfortable for women.” A recent blog comment by Jaques Giguere attributed some gender differences in on-line behaviour to lekking – a form of sexual display where males congregate and compete for mates. I like the theory, but it strikes me that posting anonymously on Wikipedia is a pretty ineffectual way of displaying one’s prowess.

My own theory is that women are less interested this kind of intellectual competition – after all, deleting someone else’s entry is kind of the scholarly equivalent of checking someone into the boards and taking the puck off them. I also think that women are conditioned or programmed (take your pick) to be modest and value modesty – it’s not feminine to go to Wikipedia and create a page about yourself, or go through entries and add references to your own work.

Anyway, if anyone else has any ideas, please enlighten us.

I made a comment here a couple of days ago which I believe expresses the frustrations of many about the chronic failure of the Labor government, both under Rudd and Gillard,  to effectively prosecute the case for reform in just about every area:

The puzzle here, as in contemporary Australian politics more generally, lies in the evident inability of the federal Labor government to robustly and effectively defend and promote its own policies, and the equally evident unwillingness of the mainstream media to see its role as doing anything beyond “horse race” reportage.

Rudd was just an abysmal communicator as well as (apparently) a complete prick, but Julia Gillard clearly has the capacity to communicate effectively and engagingly.  Yet invariably both she and her Ministers choose not to do so.  It’s an observation Peter Lewis makes in an article at ABC Unleashed with specific reference to the Murray-Darling water debate, and that Niki Savva makes more generally in today’s Oz:

If politicians give journalists something interesting to report, and lead debates, then they will oblige by publishing it and broadcasting it. If politicians find new things to say about old issues, or say them in an interesting way, they will get run. As well as using the right tactics, they also need to muster the right arguments. They require a strategic approach, taking account of the pitfalls and dealing up front with them.

Politicians will not always like the way their remarks are reported. The reports could be negative, outrageously misinterpreted and downright unfair, but the Prime Minister, backed by her senior ministers, has to be out in the public arena leading and steering important debates.

Labor has largely allowed the public debate to go by default to the Opposition not only in the Murray-Darling water debate but on climate change, the current debate about the role of the independent Director of Military Prosecutions, and even the National Broadband Network,  just to pick a few current examples.

I can’t help wondering why?  Gillard is clearly no fool nor are her colleagues (well, some of them anyway), and there must be at least a few advisers with a bit of nouse.  So why are they continuing Rudd’s “strategy” of failing to engage pro-actively in substantive public debate until it’s too late and the well of public opinion has been irretrievably poisoned on a given issue? It’s a sincere question, and I’d really like some help from Troppo readers because I’m truly mystified and have been for quite some time.  Here are a few possibilities:

1. There is some deeply cunning principle of spin-doctoring that dictates failing to defend one’s own policies and giving an ongoing free kick to your opponents.
2. They really are trying to defend their policies, but they’re so bad at it that this is the best they can manage.
3. They are so busy with actual policy implementation that they don’t have time to publicly defend and prosecute the policy agenda.
4. They think it’s pointless to prosecute any particular policy agenda because they’re going to be forced to negotiate it with the Greens and Independents so that the final outcome may bear little resemblance to the initial policy proposal, so why bother risking antagonising potential losers when you can duck for cover, leave the public servants out front and refer the issue to a parliamentary committee?
5. They think that the great unwashed in marginal seats are completely uninterested in substantive policy in any real sense, and why waste time on the self-appointed cognoscenti minority like political blog readers,  ABC viewers and broadsheet newspaper readers?
6. The Parliamentary Labor Party is now so full of career politicians whose entire experience is in the union movement or as party apparatchiks that they have neither knowledge of nor interest in anything beyond their own immediate political survival.  They don’t in fact possess any substantive beliefs or policy aspirations at all, and therefore there is no issue worth defending unless opinion polls and focus groups suggest it’s worthwhile.  Policy is for “policy wonks”.

Please explain, as Pauline H once famously put it.

So, tell your friends that Troppo leveraged your delight point to optimise competitiveness in a globally competitive world.  Anyway, here’s the email/ad.

Folks, we are currently recruiting across APS4 to EL2 levels. I would strongly encourage you to think about people in your networks who might be interested in joining us, and forward application details as below. Please feel free to get back in touch with me or Michael Carnahan (cced above) if you want any further information. Apologies for any cross-posts. Thanks, Subho

***

The Strategic Policy and Implementation Group in the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet is looking for staff at all levels from APS-4 (just above regular APS graduate entry level) to EL-2 (our team leader/project manager level).

The Group undertakes strategic policy projects on some of the most complex public policy issues; and analyses progress of, and identifies ways to improve the implementation of Government priorities. In order to provide distinctive solutions to the highest priority challenges, our staff work in dedicated project teams using multi-disciplinary approaches that draw on current best practices in private and public sector strategy and management. People have the opportunity to develop strategic policy and program management expertise and apply that expertise to a range of issues. We work in small focused teams, which means that staff at all levels are directly involved in developing solutions, and our staff have the opportunity to learn from the expertise and experience of leading public policy practitioners. The Group works at the centre of government in an environment that values creativity and innovation – both in the way we work and the solutions we recommend.

More detail about the department can be found at the PM&C website:

http://www.dpmc.gov.au/about_pmc/index.cfm

and specific information about the positions can be found at:

http://dpmc.nga.net.au/cp/index.cfm?event=jobs.home

In terms of the application process, applications close at 11.30 (AEDT) on 10 October 2010. The selection process will involve a shortlisting, a written assessment (of an hour duration, undertaken online) and then an interview. If you are interested in working in PM&C more broadly then you should express this interest in the application. If your interest is in working only in SPIG, then you should also make this clear during the application process.

Dr Subho Banerjee

Given that there are not, perhaps a Troppodillian will check it out and review it here.

]]> http://clubtroppo.com.au/2009/10/11/if-only-there-were-more-hours-in-the-day/feed/ 0 http://clubtroppo.com.au/2008/03/27/tampa-refugees-also-rise/ http://clubtroppo.com.au/2008/03/27/tampa-refugees-also-rise/#comments Wed, 26 Mar 2008 12:17:02 +0000 Nicholas Gruen http://clubtroppo.com.au/2008/03/27/tampa-refugees-also-rise/

A few years ago I sponsored a bunch of Afghani kids on a soccer playing tour of Queensland and NSW. It was a privilege to meet some of the kids.  I expected to find kids who’d grown up in a peasant culture, who would not be particularly interested in education.  One tends to think of ‘humanitarian’ migrants like that.  Not the greatest value economically, but we’re happy to do what we can. I guess those people who let my father into the country thought the same thing.  But he turned out OK.

Anyway, it was obvious from talking with the kids how wrong my ideas were. These kids wanted to be doctors, architects, engineers.  And they desperately wanted to educate themselves.  And now as Crikey! reports, some of the kids from the Tampa have been doing just that. In New Zealand that is, where some of them were allowed to land. The kid pictured – Abbas Nazari – is a mean speller, coming third in NZ’s national spelling bee.

Congratulations Abbas.

And I’m really sorry about the way we treated you – I still don’t know what got into us.

The Love Gods are back after a much-needed rest to recharge their advisory potency.  Replete with psychic Viagra they’re ready again to hop into another romantically beset reader.  This week we’ve raided the mailbag of Murdoch lovelorn columnist Kate de Brito, whose brother Sam was recently terribly miffed that we suggested he might not be the sharpest knife in the journalistic scabbard.

Our problem is in some ways a middle class version of that old traditional lovelorn anthem Frankie and Johnnie, which is fortunate considering that Dr Troppo seems to have developed an inexplicable midlife attachment to bad song lyrics and even badder whisky.  I just hope none of our Love Gods advise our correspondent to solve her problem the way Frankie did.

I received a Hallmark card yesterday in the mail, congratulating my husband on becoming a New father ???

Weve been married for 8 years, we dont have children of our own.  I have fertility issues.  My husband is 38 and Im 32.

I confronted him about the anonymous card, which only had the name of the baby girl stated on it.

What happened next has left me devastated.  I am in pieces.

The baby is the result of a short affair he had with a woman at work.  My husbands a physician and I am assuming she is a nurse ( he wont tell me).  The relationship ended when she found out she was pregnant and would not abort the baby as my husband had requested.  Around that time he stopped working at that hospital, and moved to another nearby hospital.

She already has two children from a previous marriage (so he says).  At present she is a divorcee.  She wanted him to leave me and marry her, so he tells me.

My husband and I have a great marriage (so I thought), best of friends, we have travelled the world together, I cant imagine life with out him.  I was planning to start fertility treatments this year.  There was nothing wrong at home in our marriage.  When I asked him WHY ?? why did you do this , he simply says its a mistake and its over, chapter closed.  He says if I leave him he will have nothing left in life to live for.  I see he has remorse, I know he would take it all back if he could. but I am in so much pain …. I lost my Mom to cancer a few years ago , the pain from this is even worse.

I am in a milllion shattered pieces.  I have no one to talk to about this.  This wasnt supposed to happen to me.  I feel angry sad helpless betrayed devasated lonely degraded and disgusted.

I dont know what to do, how to start over agin, I feel paralysed.  I hate him as much I as love him, how could he do this to me ??

Im sure she will file for Child support, why wouldnt she ?? Easy money, a successful physician, shell get every penny she can.  Im furious money that was meant for my family for our life together will have to go to this disgusting low life worthless woman, who together with my husband ruined my life.

Please help me please … I am devastated.

The Love Gods’ advice is over the fold.

Rex

Dear Devastated

Firstly let me say that I was very moved by your story. And Mr. Parish, in selecting yours from amongst all of the easily mocked trite nonsense that passes for modern day dilemmas of the heart, has picked a doozy that will certainly stretch this Love Gods sympathetic nerve to the max.

You see, yours is a tricky little problem to navigate.  The fact of your inability to bear children immediately gives you the upper hand, despite it being only slightly related to your immediate problem.  It arouses deep reserves of sympathy amongst the general reader, and I must therefore be careful to acknowledge how miserable you must feel about this lest I look like a heartless brute. 

Having now skilfully negotiated the matter of your infertility, I think we can agree that Ive passed the first test, and the readers are probably now feeling quite comfortable with my ability to handle myself in these delicate situations, and are now looking forward to seeing how I tackle your main problem. (Quite frankly so am I)

So, the next part of this process is to demonstrate that Ive got a handle on the main part of your problem.  Basically, as I understand it,  youve found yourself in a classic infidelity situation.  Theres you, your husband, the other woman, and the kid and that this is making you feel unhappy.

I think Ive got it dont you?  Incidentally, do you like the way Ive managed to state the problem so succinctly?   Theres quite a talent in being able to do this.  What took you some hundred or so words has now been condensed into a much more refined statement of the problem consuming no more than eighteen words.  Impressive Non?

Now the final double barrelled challenge.  Firstly, to wrap things up in the remaining paragraph, and avoid the trap of a lengthy (but no doubt enlightening) discourse that could risk losing some of our less educated readers, and secondly, to show that not only have I completely understood your problem, but Ive also offered you some hope in the form perhaps of some simple homespun advice.  Something uncomplicated that appeals to the values of my readership, and reinforces my standing as no-nonsense practical sort of guy with street smarts and a heart of gold.  A final dilemma resolving sentence that draws on some ancient wisdom, and leaves you feeling that despite it all, things will get better.  

There.  I hope that helps.  Good luck.

George St Clair

Hey babe, why the tears? Your man has proven he’s virile. OK, maybe not with you but so it’s still cool, right? There is some exciting new thinking going down right now about how we’re still just animals under the skin. Like noted sociobiologists like Edward O. Wilson and Hugh M. Hefner say, “if it feels good, do it.”  ‘cos y’know, going against nurture is part of nature too. And vice versa, you dig? Yes, it’s a paradox, sweet thing. Life is like that. Man was put to here to spread his seed. And the ladies are here to gather and hatch it. It’s a beautiful thing…provided you don’t get hung up on child support and all that other draggy stuff. So groove with it.

And you say you’re 32, infertile and possibly foxy? And your man doesn’t understand you? Lets rap, ladybird. You know the name, look up the number.

And stay real.
Your man, George.

Darlene

Oh my, what a tangled web we weave etc. Impossible to be glib about this situation (bring back the lawyer who thought he was a, cough cough, ”player”).

Not sure why this poor woman assumes the other woman is a nurse (last time I looked there were more career opportunities available for women in medical fields than that). Surely children are entitled to be supported financially and emotionally by both parents, so sister please don’t carry animosity to the little bundle of joy who’s going to be born into a horrible and complicated situation. If both parties didn’t want to be responsible for a kid, they both should’ve used contraceptives.

The card thing was cruel, but I wonder if “other” felt she had any other way of telling your old man that he’s now a father.    

Go see a counsellor NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girlfriends, if you know a bloke is taken, don’t even think about going there.

Go well, and remember the best revenge is to live well (and lots of other clichés too numerous to mention, as Greg said to Andy on Extras). 

(posted on behalf of The Receptionist)

Somehow it’s always me who ends up doing the work around here. As Dr Troppo’s receptionist I seem to have a never ending series of chores to perform. Clearing out beer bottles and pistachio nut shells from under his desk, washing cigarette butts out of his coffee mugs and calming clients after they’ve emerged from one of his experimental therapy sessions. Honestly, it never ends. Now he wants me to write up this week’s Love Gods problem. Well here it is:

Dear Love Gods,

Last Friday when I was leaving the house to go to a Tupperware party, my husband threatened to shoot me. Ever since he came back from the veterans’ hospital in a wheelchair he’s been bitter and suspicious. Whenever I put on make up to go out of the house he accuses me of cheating on him. “Ruby,” he moans, “Don’t take your love to town.” The other day when he thought I was out of the house I heard him say “if I could move I’d get my gun and put her in the ground.”

What should I do? I still love my husband and don’t want to leave him with nobody to take care of him, but I don’t want to get shot either.

Yours, Ruby.

If you want my opinion she should wheel him out into the street and leave him there with a cardboard sign around his neck: “Will threaten women for food and nappy changes”. But nobody ever asks me. So it’s over to the experts.

Dr. Troppo

Ms Ruby,

Please be aware that my receptionist was not offering you advice. Neither I nor my receptionist accept any liability for any use you may make of her comments.

After discussing this matter with my lawyer I have decided that the other Love Gods would be in a better position to assist you with your problem.

I wish you the best of luck. Please do not attempt to contact me again.

The Receptionist

Ruby,

Since Dr Troppo is busy sitting in his office drinking cheap Mexican beer with a woman he refers to as his lawyer, I suppose it’s up to me to deal with your problem.

I’m guessing that you met your husband while you were working at the veterans’ hospital. At the time it must all have seemed very noble and romantic. But despite the fact that you gave up your life to cook his meals, wash his sheets and wipe his bottom, he treats you as if you were his personal property.

It’s not hard to guess what’s causing this problem — it’s that country music he’s listening to. Not only does it drive people to suicide, it fosters appalling attitudes towards women.As Amanda Marcotte writes:

Country musics maudlin history of misogyny has gotten only more teeth-grindingly awful over time. Vintage country that was nasty to women at least had a assholish vibe to it that made it more interesting to listen to. Lately, though, every time I hear some sort of sexist country song, it has this Nice Guy® whiny tone to it that makes me want to gouge my eardrums out.

I couldn’t agree more. Country music ought to be banned. Immediately!

Rex

Ruby,

You say this feller of yours has got a gun, and he’s bitter and suspicious?   That doesn’t sound good.  Nope.  Not good at all.  Ruby, there’s no  connection between you and me that this bloke of yours could trace is there?  I mean – you haven’t mentioned my name in any of this I hope.  That’d be a breach of professional ethics you know.  I wouldn’t take kindly to that.  The consequences could be fearsome if it did turn out that you had let any of this slip.   I want you to know that.  I need you to understand that before we can proceed okay?   Good.

Now Ruby – the first thing you need to understand is that you are living a cliche.  I’d hazard a guess that you’re stuck somewhere between the second verse and the middle eight.  That’s where all the drama generally is.  How this particular drama resolves for you I cannot say – I’m not familiar with your case, but unless this is one of those endless tales, then your particular drama will be dealt with one way or the other by verse three. On the plus side you don’t have long to wait.  On the negative – well – either he or you could be dead or you both could be dead  (lets not talk about what might happen if you’ve mentioned my name). 

I’m not normally a fatalist – but I’d have to say Ruby that in your very unique situation the outcome is virtually programmed in.  I’ve flicked through my back copies of Psychology Today looking for a solution but found nothing.  So what I’ve got to offer is highly speculative.  I’ts never been tried before and it requires some major sacrifices on your part.  In fact you’ll require a sex change operation. A very quick one.  You’ll have to trust me on this I’m a scientist. Now here’s how it works. 

Songs are just vibrations in the air – and there’s millions of them floating around everywhere.  (As an interesting aside it’s not butterflies in the Brazillan rainforest that starts those mighty Hurricanes, its Dub).  So any moment now there’ll be a stray lyric from another song drifting along near you.  It’ll be one that I’ve aimed in your direction.  Sorry about the selection but its the only one that I could think of on such short notice.  You’re going to have to make a leap for it.  Are you Ready?     Jump  Now!

Did you think I would leave you crying, when there’s room on my horse for two.   Climb up hear Jack and don’t be crying.  I can go just as fast with two.

Last week’s Love Gods column was sadly blighted by the fact that our supplicant middle-aged lawyer  was a distinctly unsympathetic character.  This week it’s different.  Our plaintive female client is in a terrible pickle, albeit one involving a husbandly type presciently diagnosed last week by Dr Troppo.

Samantha Brett has fallen down on the job this week, however, and failed to post her weekly reader’s question.  Perhaps she’s still shagged out by the excesses of Valentine’s Day.  But never fear.  I’ve resorted to pillaging Kate de Brito’s Ask Bossy “blog” at Rupert’s place instead.  I assume she’s related to that moron Sam de Brito who conducts a “blog” at SMH, so she obviously knows a lot about forebearance if nothing else. 

Anyway, here’s this week’s reader’s letter (let’s call her Narelle):

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. A year ago he had a one night stand (with a condom). The girl got pregnant and kept the baby. He insisted that they take a DNA test, and it came out that he is the father of the baby. This woman is 23 years old, lives at home with her parents, has no job, is not going to school, never got her drivers license, does not have a car, or a bank account. She is very illogical and irrational, and he hates her (as do I).

He is being responsible and giving her money for the baby as well as spending time with his now 6 month old son. He still has to tell his own family about this (since he just found out 2 weeks ago). He is very stressed out, but determined to do the right thing. The babys mother is ok with his friends and family meeting the baby, but not I. I feel she is doing this just out of jealousy. She voiced her anger that he continued to date other women while she was pregnant, yet she was a one night stand!!!! Why wouldnt he date other women? He told her that too.

We love each other, and our relationship is great. We are really happy with each other. He really wants me to meet his son. He was saying that he will try to have me meet the son without her knowing, but I dont want to be hidden!!!! I feel angered by the fact that his friends and family will meet the baby before I will. I know she is just being spiteful. she sais she doesnt want the baby getting attached to me and being sad when we break up. I feel it is presumptuous of her to assume we will break up, and i dont think a 6 month old baby can get attached like that.

I want him to stand up to her, for me. I am so mad that she is trying to push me out of this.  What if when he brings her by to meet the family, I will be there, but he doesnt tell her until she gets there? What is she gonna do? I know she wont keep him from the baby, I know she probably wont even say anything. She never tells him anything when they are together with the baby, but as soon as he leaves she texts him about how shes mad over one thing or another, or she feels this, or she needs that. He does not pick up her phone calls, yet when they do speak on the phone, she is just as unconfrontational as she is in person. What should I do? Should I tell him how I feel? Should I wait and see what happens. I dont want this to be the reason we break up. I want to be ok with the whole situations, if Im not I owe it to him and myself to break up with him.

Also, when I meet the baby I want to love it because its his, not hate it because its hers. Please help me! My boyfriend is 24, I am 21. We really love each other, and I think the relationship has great long term potential, but this situations can make it or break it. 

Our Love Gods’ advice is over the fold, and you’re welcome to help too, in the comment box. 

Jen

The old reasonable and fair-minded Jen retired last week when her advice was passed over by his lordship.

‘Too late?’ she cried. ‘Too late?’ as she threw down the dishcloth. ‘That’s the last time I try to move beyond the housewifely boundaries and into the intellectual rough and tumble of the Tropposphere. If you want me I’ll be the one making apple pies in the sunshine’.

Lucky for Parish, the evil older sister (also called Jen) is waiting in the wings, behind the scullery door, to brandish her cruel response – while ‘the good Jen’ bakes her pies.

Advice to you, the spineless and contemptible,

Stop wailing! And be happy. You were in love for 6 months. He is telling you crap. Only you would believe, ‘Oh by the way one day (I mean one night stand) a year ago I was wearing a condom and now I have a baby’. Yeah right.  He is not what you are after. You are still young, and take heart, because most young people are quite attractive so you will probably find someone else if you look around and if you are not too fussy (and I suspect you aren’t). You need to be looking for someone who can reciprocate your desire for a conventional relationship.

In addition, it seems to have escaped your attention. This is not your baby. You can’t have it.  At 21 you won’t want it anyway, so stop moaning about how it is a part of him. The baby is a person in its own right. Do we have a name or gender here at all? Or perhaps you didn’t realise in all your careworn angst that babies come in two flavours.  And where do you get off on the ‘this is true love for sure’ stakes? A little six months and you are on for the whole future. Most of us wait at least 7 months before we start dusting off the glory box. Yes you make me sick. I have to vomit. I have a glob of independence stuck in my throat. Perhaps you’d like some?

Jen 

Rex 

It seems to me young lass that the problem youre experiencing is an indirect problem created as a result of the problem your boyfriend is experiencing.  So if we fix your boyfriends problem, then weve also fixed yours.  Hows that sound?  Like the sort of plan a much older and wiser person would come up with I bet!

Now the first thing I would do when faced with a situation like the one experienced by your boyfriend is to ask myself how Mick Jagger would deal with it.  Mr. Jagger has had lots of one night stands and lots of progeny as a result.  So youd be hard pressed to find a better case study.  If youre in any doubt about this, or you dont know who Mick Jagger is, then simply type Jagger model Jerry Hall furious into Google, and see for yourself

Youll find that Mr. Jaggers response, almost invariably, is to throw money at the problem. And that is the remedy Im recommending to you today.

If for example your boyfriend were to put the mother of his child up in a harbourside apartment not far from where you live, and he hired a nanny to look after the child every day, whilst the mother went shopping,  then things could be arranged so that that the nanny bought the child over to your place where you could get to know the little tot.  This would also allow you and your boyfriend plenty of time to get to know each other even better.  Obviously though that can only happen when youre not on holiday in the Riviera, so youd need to weigh up how much getting to know you time you want to spend with the baby against the time you need to spend getting a tan or having your bikini line waxed.

I cant advise you on those sort of quandaries Im afraid, but on the whole Id say your situation is not looking too bad.  So cheer up now, and start thinking about the right way to impart this information to your boyfriend so that he thinks that its his idea.  The male ego can be a fragile one.

saint

Dear 21 year old,

Love God is always ready to assist those in distress, but as he is also not wont to intefere where he is not wanted, that usually requires a distress call. 

We have no record of a distress call from your end of cyberspace in the past twelve months.

However, as luck would have it (but we don’t speak of luck in loud voices around here), only this morning, the Chief Communications Manager asked me to investigate some annoying white noise emanating from your end of the world in more recent weeks.

Having investigated I find myself once again, beating my head against the wall.  Our beacon guidance signal has been clear, but the receptors are faulty from your end. And now you are wailing like a stranded whale on a beach.

Far be it from me to now also beat my nose to a pulp on the keyboard.

So let me put it succintly: your boyfriend doesn’t love you.

Again: he doesn’t love you.

One more time: he doesn’t love you.

Don’t try to pretend otherwise: he doesn’t love you.

Don’t try to justify him: he doesn’t love you.

Do not project your self-loathing and insecurity on to the other woman: he doesn’t love you.

Is this message getting through to you?  He doesn’t love you.

Once more with feeling: he doesn’t love you.

He doesn’t love you. Copy that?

saint in a straitjacket
A/g Signals Officer
3rd Division
Internecine Intervention Battalions
Love God Heaven

Dr. Troppo

Dear Ms X,

Your letter interests me. You’ll need to excuse me while I discuss this with my readers. My receptionist will show you to the waiting room. I think there is an old Woman’s Day with an unfinished crossword under the coffee table.

Ms X’s letter reminds me of a client I had some years ago. Ms F had a brief liaison with a married man (Mr G) that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. On a number of occasions Ms F attempted to meet with Mr G to discuss their future relationship. But somehow her efforts were always misunderstood. On one occasion she cooked Mr G’s family a rabbit stew and on another she tried to help by picking up Mr G’s daughter from school and buying her an ice cream. But despite these friendly gestures, Mr G’s wife responded in an illogical and irrational manner.

By the time Ms F came to see me she was very distressed. Mr G refused to take responsibility for his part in the relationship and tried to convince his wife that Ms F was mentally unstable. Unfortunately Ms F abruptly stopped coming see me so I’m unsure how the matter was resolved.

In Ms X’s letter we again see a man who is unwilling to take responsibility for the consequences of his behaviour. On learning that he had fathered a child, he demanded a paternity test. This is hardly the behaviour of man who is determined to “do the right thing.” Instead it is a hostile gesture designed to insult and harass the mother of his child — a young woman who is clearly vulnerable and powerless. Ms X tells us that the young mother “lives at home with her parents, has no job, is not going to school, never got her drivers license, does not have a car, or a bank account”. No wonder she is looking for some understanding and support.

Ms X also tells us a number of things that seem rather dubious. If Ms X is to be believed then the pregnancy lasted only six months. Could it be that the boyfriend’s last sexual contact with the young woman was 12 months ago but that the baby was conceived on another earlier occasion? And could it be that the boyfriend wasn’t always as careful as he claims to have been? And if he only found out that he was the father two weeks ago does this actually mean that results of the DNA test arrived two weeks ago? Could it be that he knew about the pregnancy much earlier — perhaps while he “he continued to date other women”?

In any case , if we leave Ms X any longer she’s in danger of finishing the crossword. Let’s call her in.

Ms X, thank you for being so patient.

You clearly feel that you are engaged in a competition with this young woman and you do not intend to let her win. She has decided to keep you away from her baby and you want to force her to back down. You intend to show her who has the upper hand. The young man belongs to you and you will not allow her to control him.

While you say that the relationship has great long term potential, I’m not convinced that you believe this. If you were truly committed to staying with your young man and you felt that he was committed to staying with you, then would you worry about meeting the baby straight away? If your boyfriend continued to have regular contact the mother would eventually relent and you would meet the child. It would be almost impossible to prevent this from happening.

But because you are unsure about your relationship you are anxious to have victory over your rival now. You don’t want to break up over this issue is because that would mean she was right.

To cope with this situation you need to understand your own emotions. Even you are aware that your boyfriend is not blameless. He slept with a woman he did not respect, he resisted accepting responsibility for his actions by insisting on a paternity test, and is only now coming to terms with his obligations. Despite this, you want to believe that he is an innocent victim — a decent man who has fallen into the clutches of a stupid and malicious woman.

By casting your boyfriend as a blameless victim you have put yourself in an emotional trap. However much it angers and frustrates you, you feel that you cannot complain about his ongoing relationship with the other woman. He cannot live up to the role you have cast him in unless he does the right thing by his child. You are dealing with this by projecting your anger and frustration on to the mother of his child. Clearly, he wants to believe that she has trapped him and you want to let him believe this.

Rather than the two of you ganging up on a single, jobless, careless woman with a new baby, you should talk to each other about how you feel. You need to tell your boyfriend how his actions have affected you. Perhaps you can love him even if he is not the hero you pretend that he is. And perhaps he can love you, even if he knows you resent having to share him with another woman and her family.

That is all I can offer I’m afraid. Oh… and please leave the magazine in the waiting room when you leave.  

I’m beginning to have serious reservations about whether we did the right thing in letting these Love Gods loose on Samantha Brett’s unsuspecting lovelorn readers.  Poor Shami, tender ego shrivelled and crushed underfoot!  But did that stop our Love Gods?   Oyster and bacon nibbles indeed. And prescribing experimental drugs!  I mean, look what happened to that confused actor chappie Heath Ledger.   As for that dreadful Ringschott, he’s beyond the pale.  Telling poor Shami he’s a loser who should just change his name to Wayne. Dr Troppo’s Receptionist will hear about this.   What if Shami hurls himself in front of the 8:35 express from Werribee?

Hang on.  I’ve just looked at Ask Sam’s reader problem for this week, and I’m feeling much better now.  This bloke is anything but a delicate little blossom, a 45 year old lawyer no less:

“Am I a player?” asks Moz, a 45-year-old male reader who describes himself as “a barrister, consider myself smart, fit and good looking – oh and only a little arrogant,” and who is single and looking for love.

He writes this to me in an email:

“I’ve been on RSVP sporadically over the last 2 years and have quickly met some great women (not all from there but most are) who I quickly shag, but then quickly feel they are not the ‘one’ and, not wanting to lead them on, even though the sex is great (and no, unlike the meeting, shagging and ending, that’s not quick!) I tell them I don’t want to continue…

“There have probably been 6 or so like this over that time, none at the same time, many for two – three weeks, some as long as a few months – the latter ending more because the women became a little too, understandably from their point of view, as objectively things were going well, ‘serious’. Which for me meant I should end it then as there was always ‘something’ – even though I was enjoying the company and given time I might see there was no real problem. However, I trusted my gut and told myself its best to end it.

“A good girlfriend says I’m being too choosy and always finding little faults:

• she is kinda big (no, she is average – just larger that my skinny ex..)
• she is too serious too soon (no, after a couple months of near constant contact, weekends away with kids etc., she starts making plans into the future like a holiday together, so nothing big).
• she has droopy breasts (this was one of the shorter relationships… otherwise beautiful, funny, intelligent woman)

“Ok, so I have all sorts of problems – I’m shallow, not over my ex? Commitment phobia? maybe, although I don’t think so, it is besides the point – does it make me a Player?

“Does dating, shagging and then calling it within a couple of weeks/months because you can’t see ‘the’ future, mean you’re a player? Sure there are guys out there who just want the sex but I believe there would be many men like me who are labelled as Players who don’t think they are – or are we?

Do I detect a whiff of masochism along with the evident sadism?  An exhibitionist at any price?  What sort of advice does this joker imagine he’s going to get even from Sam’s readers, let alone our Love Gods?  Anyway, we’ll see over the fold:

Dr. Troppo (and receptionist)

Moz, thanks for bringing this to our attention. I understand that it’s an issue for many single women of a certain age. I’d like to talk with the ladies now so you are excused. My receptionist will see you to the door until the next Love God is ready to see you.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, the ladies.

If you’re a single woman in your mid to late thirties and looking for a long term relationship you’ve probably met them all. And if your biological clock is ticking you don’t have time for men who aren’t prepared to get serious. Here’s a quick run down on four types of men you need to avoid and how you can identify them.

The Player

Usually a fit, good looking guy with a high status job, the player wants to know that he’s still attractive to women. Every new relationship is a test and he’s looking for conventionally attractive women who will reassure him that he’s still got what it takes. If you’re a 7 to 10 on the mature-babe-scale and you’ve got a weakness for good looking professional men then you’re at risk.

The Player won’t bother with you unless he thinks you’re really interested. Once that’s established then it’s all systems go — you’ll be in the sack in no time. He wants you to brag about him to your friends so he’ll make an effort to impress. You’ll eat in great restaurants, see fabulous shows, and have terrific weekends away.

Things will come unstuck when you try to move beyond the wining and dining stage and try to introduce him to your parents, suggest that you move in together or ask him whether he thinks that Kevin and Julia would be good names for a baby. Once you try to start a serious relationship the test is over. He’s passed and it’s time to move on.

The Nice Older Man

The NOM is older than you’d prefer but he’s probably the most emotionally together guy you’ve ever been with. In his fifties or early sixties, he’s achieved what he wanted from his career, his kids have left home and he’s financially and emotionally secure. If you run into his ex, she’ll tell you he’s a wonderful human being and say — in a matter of fact way — that sometimes things just don’t work out.

Given that the typical NOM is semi-retired, he’s not going to be intimidated by your career success. He’s always got time to proof read your latest report or listen to your war stories from the office. He’s given up his career as a lawyer or senior public servant and is probably running a small winery or perhaps doing consultancy work (when his former colleagues talk him into it).

You and he enjoy each other’s company. And he’s happy to talk about living together. But since he’s already had a wife and family he isn’t interested in getting married or becoming the father of your children. Being the experienced and emotionally secure guy that he is, he’s scrupulous about birth control, determined to leave all his assets to his children, and is immune to your arguments. Of course he’d be sad if you left, but he doesn’t want to stand in the way of your dreams.

The Angry Dad

The AD will talk for hours about the Child Support Agency, how his ex-wife is a malicious bitch who’s turned his children against him. And feminists… don’t start him on feminists.

But apart from this small handful of emotional no-go areas, the AD seems like a great guy. What a pity these subjects always come up after the third glass of red wine.

You’re wondering whether he’s still emotionally raw after his acrimonious break up? That maybe he’ll settle down after a while and be ready to move on? Anything’s possible, but some things aren’t likely.

The Boy Who Never Left Home

The BWNLH seems shy but nice. He’s pleasant enough to look at, has a good job and shares your interests. And after you’ve been going out a while you wonder how he’s managed to stay single for so long.

But no matter how much time you spend together — including some fantastic holidays away — he never shows any interest in taking the next step. Eventually you suggest that his toothbrush is getting lonely and ask him if he’d like to move the rest of his stuff into your place to keep it company. And that’s when you learn the answer to the mystery of his persistent singleness. He likes living with his mum. It’s cheap, it’s convenient, and he never has to do any housework. And, while you’re great company, you’re not so wonderful that he’d part with tens of thousands of dollars every year just to be able to smell your breath in the morning and get nagged about not doing dishes. Did you misunderstand? Well, sorry.

Before we finish up here, it seems that my receptionist is keen to say something. I’ll leave you in her capable hands.

THE RECEPTIONIST: Like many of the self-absorbed, over-fed male persons at Club Troppo, the doctor likes to imagine that all women are desperate to find a man, get married and have babies. For some reason he fancies himself as a catch. But if men are really so much in demand, why are internet dating sites overflowing with desperate men? Hmmm?

The truth is, men need women more than women need men. Men struggle because they are unable to establish satisfying relationships outside of marriage and work. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to lead emotionally healthy lives with friends and family members who they can turn to for support.

It’s time some of you emotionally stunted single men wrote in and asked the Love Gods for help. God knows you need it.

Darlene

Moz is a 45-year-old man, and he wants to know if he is a player. As Moz seems like a thoughtful, mature, intelligent and deep individual, he is entitled to a thoughtful, mature, intelligent and deep answer. Before getting to that thoughtful etc answer, I wanted to point out, apropos of nothing, that player kind of sounds like wanker. 

Moz, you are a 45-year-old man, what the hell are you doing asking a question that would be barely acceptable coming from a pimply teenage boy with a permanent boner and a copy of Neil Strauss’s The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists on his bookshelf (next to all those Star Trek figurines)?

God knows who would see the words ”barrister” on a RSVP dating profile and want to contact that person to see if they are nice.     

Stop quickly shagging the ladies (in all senses of the phrase “quickly shagging”) and get to know them first, and incidentally nobody can live up to some romanticised notion of the future or what a perfect partner should be like. Of course, since you are 45-years-old and a barrister, you already knew that.    

As for droopy breasts, it is called growing older, you silly coot. You know, Moz, it is like when things do not stay up like they used to.     

By the way, Moz, if you have to ask others whether you are a player or not, it means you are most definitely not one.   

Saint

Dear Moz,

I regret to inform you that Love God is unable to reply to your letter.  Indeed, even following translation from and to every tongue of every tribe and nation, Love God could not get a word in edgeways through your “me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.”  He is also somewhat pre-occupied with an impending class action against RSVP clients for unfair and deceptive acts, practices and promises (and not a few cases of underperformance and oversized packaging).

Consequently, it has fallen to me to tell you that no, you are not a Player. You are, however, about to find out what it means to be a Loser.

saint in a straitjacket
A/g Security Officer, Grade 3
Commission of Social Affairs
Love God Heaven.

Rex

I read your letter Moz, and to he honest.  I’m flummoxed.  I’m struggling to see what the problem is.  Is it that you’ve had six different women on the go?  I hate to be the one to tell you this bud, but that’s no world record.  In fact you might do well to stop your worrying about being shallow and all, and start thinking about why you reckon that these numbers are worth bragging about at all.

Bragging has its place,  and done with the right level of boorishness, can be very attractive to the fairer sex. But I’m afraid, the sly way you’re doing this Moz, this handwringing, this concern about being a what?  A player? It’s just not a convincing way to get your score up on the scoreboard.

It’s seems to me Moz that you’re looking for a bit of a pat on the back for your accomplishments to date.  I’m not going to be the one to do that.  You need to have many more notches on your belt before it’ll impress me my friend. 

So here’s my advice.  Practice. Practice. Practice.  And next time you go looking for publicity, ditch the flaky letters to the Newspaper, and turn to a media and celebrity management group.  In the meantime get yourself fitted for a posing pouch and get some professional shots done for your next entries on RSVP.

Well, last week’s inaugural edition of Ask Troppo’s Love Gods seemed to go well. I certainly haven’t heard from our supplicant reader Gen, so can only assume she was well satisfied with the advice our Love Gods gave her.

Unfortunately, one of our putative Love Gods in Nabakov has found himself otherwise engaged, and feels he won’t be able to discharge the duties of a Love God with his accustomed sobriety and attention to detail. Luckily, we’ve managed to co-opt George St Clair, another legendary expert in the subtle arts of love and romance, to fill the yawning chasm left by Nabs’ premature withdrawal. George is a free spirit who enjoys cool dialogue in hot tubs, talking to his friend the wind in unspoilt Byron Bay and taking his Nova Sterling kit car for a spin down the Great Ocean Road with a lady friend or two. He knows how to respect your personal space while also lighting your fire. We feel privileged to welcome him to the Troppo Love Gods team.

Meanwhile, Rex Ringschott was charged with Gross Misconduct under the Love God Disciplinary Code, after unsubtly propositioning Gen in a very tacky comment box contribution. However, taking a cue from Harbajan Singh and the Indian cricket team, Rex claimed to see this as an unpardonable slur on his integrity and threatened to take his Love God Rod and depart if found guilty. Mindful of Nabakov’s earlier withdrawal, we took a pragmatic decision to downgrade the charge to Misdemeanour Flirting, to which Rex sulkily entered a guilty plea and was sentenced to be severely chastised by Dr Troppo’s Receptionist. What form the chastisement may take is not yet known.

What with all this turmoil in Love God ranks, we’ve hardly had time to think about the romantic needs of our love-challenged readers. Fortunately, the SMH’s Samantha Brett has kept her mind on the job at hand (as did Rex, though in a different sense). Her latest Ask Sam problem comes from a male reader named Shami, who asks:

I was going out with this girl for the past three weeks and it was quite full-on. Then last week it started to die a little. We had a detailed chat and she says that she “really, really likes” me and the “sex is great”, but she still hasn’t felt the “vibe / spark / connection” that she has been looking for. Now she thinks that it won’t work out with us!

After a long chat she was convinced that we haven’t spent enough time together and that she would give it another go. But now I have this feeling that even if we try again it won’t work and there’ll be too much pressure on me to generate that vibe.

I’m really confused and have always been confused with women about what they want.

• What do you (if there is anything) to generate that spark?
• If there is no spark, can it be created?
• What do women usually look for and like in the first few dates (in terms of that spark)?

Our Love Gods’ advice is over the fold:

1. George St Clair

Shami baby, you really hit me where I live with that one. I so deal with this issue all the time. How can she can keep the fire alive in me after we’ve made the earthsong together? So many beautiful people forget a spark comes from two hard substances rubbed together. It’s basic physics, you dig? So you have to be hard for her to spark off you. Yet soft and fluffy like an eagle’s nest to catch the spark and turn it into a fire.

Here’s a few tips I’ve discovered over the years. Challenge her to explore her limits. Is she into breakfast in bed? Or breakfast before you go to bed? Encourage her to explore your boundaries too. Does she have a cool ladyfriend who wants to join both of you and some pawpaw baby oil to break down that patriarch one man on one woman shit?

Remember too, food is the music of love. Why not suggest she spontaneously whip up some angel on horseback action – followed by some oyster and bacon nibbles? Or once the fire is rekindled, an eglet omelette?

Hey Shami my man. Listen real close and listen real good. When you’re eye to eye to with your lady for that moment of ego truth in the hot tub, this is what it boils downs to. She wants you to want her. Yeah, sounds so simple doesn’t it? All the real truths do. But then she’ll want you because you want her to want you wanting her. And when you’ve got her wanting you to want her wanting how she wants to want you to want you, then man you’ve got it made. Sweet things will just pour into your lap. It’s so easy once you know what you want from her wanting you.

Glad I could clear this up for you Shami. Stay real and don’t paint the rainbow anymore. It already comes in every colour of our lives.

2. Dr Troppo

Dear Mr Shami,

Forget about the spark. It’s like the dog that ate your homework in primary school. Most people will use whatever excuse they think will get them out of the relationship with the least pain and drama.

When a woman wants to break up with a man it’s important for her to give a reason that he can’t argue with. If she told you that you dressed badly, spent too much time watching cricket or were disappointing in bed, then you would probably start an argument. Or even worse, you might start groveling. “Don’t leave,” you’d say, “give me a chance and I’ll change.” Then she might feel that it was unfair of her to leave until you’d had your chance to improve. This would be painful.

If she told you that you were physically unattractive, lacking in intelligence or ethnically unsuitable then you would be offended. You would probably start an argument. “You’re so shallow!” you might say. Or maybe you’d call her a snob or a bigot. This would be painful and potentially dangerous. It’s difficult to predict what an offended man might do.

The lack of ‘spark’ is something that’s beyond her control. How can you hold her responsible for not feeling it? How can you argue with her about whether she feels it or not?

However, you may have come up with an effective counter-strategy. You suggested that the two of you should continue with the ‘great sex’ and that she should wait for the spark. Who knows, if you give the spark a chance, it might appear? If she’s prone to feelings of guilt this may buy you some time.

Have your lady friend contact my receptionist. She will provide her with a list of effective break-up lines. Contact me in a couple a weeks and let me know how it goes.

3. Jen

I hope you are taking note of what our venerable love god maestro chooses to reveal about the robust affairs of the love god brethren (and sistern?).  Know that even while love gods are experienced in the mad meanderings of desire it  does not follow that we are wise.  Be wary Shami.  The loving disorder at Troppo makes Mount Olympus look like a committee for the local school fete, although  no-one here has ever actually eaten anyone else’s internal organs.

Absence of organ devouring notwithstanding Shami, if I were you (and I thank God I am not) I would forsake all advice from that direction and work toward a chemical solution. I point you toward the Pharmacy of the Future. Within is a fine new range of synthetic neuro enhancers that will have you and your lovely lady friend thinking and feeling just the way you would both like to about each other and anybody else as well. A small pre- taste from the shelf. Credon the new anti-doubt pill eliminates all suspicion. If this is not enough to solve your problems then you may require something stronger in which case Libermine will free you from that pesky possessiveness you think you want to feel for this woman. If you find yourself still wanting then go for Solox and achieve total emotional independence and a wide circle of intimate partners. I recommend you both follow this course of treatment.
 
I can feel your apprehension.  Shami do not hesitate. Simply contact Reason Online  for a lengthy explanation of this ground breaking loving solution, meditate on the possibilities and  then you may deal with me direct – regarding the supply side.
 
I dont wish to take anything away from you here Shami You obviously possess some very effective persuasive strategies she is still talking to you after all. It is upon these I urge you to draw once again in order to convince your little lady that one small swallow will bring her the bonfire she desires.

4. Saint

Dear Shami,

Love God is presently detained by some extensive smiting in the south west and has asked me to reply to you on his behalf.

Love God regrets to advise that he does not divulge trade secrets re:sparks, nor does he approve of self-styled wannabe love gods who wish to usurp his powers. Love God is rather jealous of his own standing and reputation in that regard, and frowns on impostors.

He attempted to warn you about your impending idolatrous actions but you failed to answer your phone on numerous occasions. No doubt you were too preoccupied during that three-week stint of whoring under ever green tree and your consequent pity-party once you found yourself facing exile.

Clearly, you only have yourself to blame.  Your only option now is to brace yourself for an object lesson on fire from heaven when Love God returns.

In future, you could avoid such unpleasantness by ringing our free 24 hour hotline before you embark on the magical mystery tour called Woman under false pretenses, lest you, once again, find yourself on the wrong side of Love God.  Dial 1300-PROPHET and follow the prompts.  An interpreter service is available each Sunday, without charge, courtesy of your local parish.

saint in a straitjacket
A/g Supervisor
Demand Capacity Management, Lightning
Department of Justice
Love God Heaven

5. Rex

Well Shami,  First things first mate.  Whats with that ridiculous name?  Is it any wonder shes been getting cold feet?  She needs to know that youre a red-blooded Aussie bloke, and frankly. Red blooded Aussie blokes arent called Shami.  Theres plenty of other names that you could have been called. Good honest salt of the earth names, but your parents have to go and call you Shami. Or was it you?  You didnt change your name to that wet-sponge sounding moniker all by yourself did you?  I hope not, otherwise Im afraid that this pro-bono help stuff is just not gonna cut it, and well have to look at premium rates my friend.

For now though, Itll make things simpler, and get you off on the right foot, if you answer to the name of Wayne from now on.  Got it?

Now Wayne.  What is all of this fancy talk about the sex being great eh? Are they her words or is that just the booze talking?   What I want to know is this:  Have you been getting your end in or not?  If you have I frankly dont know why youre wasting my time.  If you havent then thats what Im here for Wayne, to give you a bit of a leg up with the old leg over.

Take if from me.  There are times when sensitivity and a deft touch is called for, but nows not the time.   She wants spark?  Give her one.  A friend of mine sells a little device known as The Tingler,  which works on the principle of the electric fence, but not quite so shocking (youve probably already received some advertising in your email inbox about this).   I can arrange delivery of a special, never to be repeated offer at retail less 15%, and if you can move fifty or more to your friends Ill give you 5% of sales.

Opportunities dont come around often Wayne, and they dont come much better than this.  So forget about whats-her-name.  Youre going places mate, and when you get there, therell be plenty just gaggin to get to know a successful guy like you.    Shall I put you down for a case?

Sometimes I’m overcome with a feeling that Club Troppo’s tone is rather too uniformly earnest and worthy. Dr Troppo’s posts sometimes help to dispel the ennui, but I can’t help thinking more is needed. There’s so much more to life than politics, law and economics. Love and relationships for a start. Judging by the mix of material found in the MSM, most people spend a large slice of their lives talking or reading about dating, relationships, love and romance.

It’s high time Troppo dipped a toe into the murky waters of love, romance, sex and dating. And what better place to start than the SMH’s wildly popular “blog” Ask Sam edited by Samantha Brett? It’s said to be responsible for a large proportion of the online SMH’s daily “hits”. And no wonder. It’s a seething maelstrom of real life melodrama and post-teen angst. Yet the advice Sam and her callow readers actually dispense to their lovelorn correspondents is pedestrian at best. Accordingly we here at Troppo have decided to help. We’ve assembled a team of world-weary but wise and deeply compassionate life counsellors, who will be let loose each week on one of Ask Sam’s romantically (and often intellectually) bereft correspondents.

Troppo’s impressive panel of Love Gods includes Dr Troppo (and perhaps on occasion his Receptionist); arts reviewer extraordinaire Darlene Taylor; legendary pseudonymous blog commenter Nabakov; Jen McCulloch; Nicholas Gruen; erstwhile Troppo author and commenter Geoff Honnor; Saint in a Straitjacket and Rex Ringschott. Of course, they won’t all have time to advise our chosen victim correspondent every week, but we hope to get at least two or three wise and caring panel responses each time, and of course you our gentle readers are most welcome to contribute your own wisdom in the comment box.

This week’s reader problem comes from Ask Sam correspondent Gen (not to be confused with my wife Jen, who is in fact one of Troppo’s Love Gods), who asks:

I happened to have a one night stand on NYE (my first one) and this guy has continued to message me and I’ve been messaging him back. I am feeling like I really could like him and I may have ruined any chances of something deeper because I slept with him the way I did. Is there any way this could work? Is this salvageable? – Gen

Like me, you may detect a faint whiff here of the social attitudes examined by Anne Summers in her seminal Australian feminist work Damned Whores and God’s Police. But not Sam Brett or her pimply readers, their perspectives tend decisively towards the less cerebral. And good job too. But enough of the blatherings of this misanthropic middle aged curmudgeon. What do Troppo’s Love Gods think about Gen’s romantic dilemma?

1. Dr. Troppo

My dear Ms Gen, it is impossible to offer you any real assistance unless I know what genre of romantic fiction you are trying to re-create in real life. If you’re trying to live out the plot of an old fashioned romance — one where lovemaking is postponed until after you’ve established a solid emotional context for the relationship –  then you have certainly failed.

But despite anything inspirational life coaches might tell you, you are not the author of your own life. The supporting characters in your story are busy creating their own dialogue and plotting their own arcs. You don’t get to do that for them. The young man you fancy has probably cast himself as the hero in an entirely different story. Perhaps he sees himself as a slightly older Paulie Bleeker, ready to dive in at the deep end and swim his way upstream for his first passionate kiss? But whoever you and he think you are, neither of you are in charge of the plot line of your little drama. You are going to have to work that out with each other.

While you may not be in charge of your wonderboy’s behaviour you can certainly be in charge of your own. If you don’t want to sleep with him again until you know whether or not he likes you, then that is entirely up to you.

2. Darlene

In this day and age, its shocking to learn that not all females have read The Rules (and The Rules II for that matter). For the benefit of the cheap slut who’s worried about whether shes blown her chances with a bloke because she slept with him on the first date, The Rules is one the most successful guides to securing the heart of Mr. Right ever published in the immensely crowded genre of dating advice books for women.

Ms (shes definitely not a Miss) Hussy broke at least 60 of the 55 rules outlined in the classic compilation of The Rules and The Rules II, The Complete Book of Rules (TCBOR). According to TCBOR:

But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? Does that mean you sleep with him on the first or second date? Unfortunately, the answer is still no. You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here and trust that if you hold off for a few weeks or months, you wont be sorry. Why risk having him call you easy (and think of you that way) when hes talking to his mates in the locker room the next day? Better that he be angry and strategizing (sic) ways of seducing you on the next date than moving onto the next girl.

Whats this fellow lets not call him a gentleman saying in the text messages hes sending to Ms Strumpet: Thanks for the sex on the first date, how about more sex on a second date : )?, Hey tart, dont text me ever again, or R U Up for a 3sum with me and me buddy Wayne ; )?. What we know from The Rules is that hes definitely not saying, Youre an attractive lady, and Id most appreciate your company in a few days time for coffee and cake. Of course, a Rules lady would ignore that text message, or be too busy to make the suggested date. A Rules gal would make him wait, so she has time to rehearse being honest but mysterious. In other words, the tramp worried about whether she has blown it has.

3. Jen

 You ‘happened to have a one night stand’……. interesting way to put it.

Exactly what sort of an accident was it?

1. The robust and direct sex accident? – Hello. You smell great lets fuck.
2. The swoon swept off our feet accident – I’m not really this kind of girl but you are so charming and special and deep that we are destined to make sweet love. or
3. the absent minded did I do that? accident. – Whoops. Now how did that get in there?

and this guy has continued to message me and I’ve been messaging him back.

1. He is messaging you because he thinks you are up for it and a great bounce.
2. He remembers being a sex god and the object of your rampaging irresistable desire – he wants to prove to his mates this state of delerium exists by producing the goods. You.
3. Don’t trust this guy, he is an unfortunate and penniless – seen sober he may be the neurotic loser in the corner.

I am feeling like I really could like him and I may have ruined any chances of something deeper because I slept with him the way I did.

1. Yep you’d be right there, no chance.
2. He’ll go deeper depending on his options – obviously you are the best thing on offer right now.
3. Depends on your compassion, commitment and your ability to follow through.

Is there any way this could work? Is this salvageable?

1. Perhaps if you got down on all fours and gently nuzzled…… Definite possibility for a long term meaningful relationship predicated on secrecy, silence and orgasm.
2. Possible if you can play the ‘You are my love god’ or ‘I am the sex kitten’ gig – but you snivel too much forget it.
3. This guy is a lifestyle choice. Definitely a long termer. He’ll still be sucking your marrow when you are dead.

4. Saint

 Dear Gen,

Thank you for your letter. Love God has advised me that your direct line to him is faulty from your end and has asked me to reply on his behalf.

I confess to never having read how successive generations of Australian women have collaborated in perpetuating this existential straitjacket of being damned whores, so I am perplexed as to how to advise you, even though I too type with my nose. Somehow “embrace your inner slut” does not ring true with my vocation, nor I suspect yours. Besides, if your one night stand can’t hold a phone up to his ear long enough to speak to you, what makes you think he’s able to pick up the bills, the bin, or the baby?

It seems to me that more than your fingers need to do the walking. Otherwise, protect yourself.

saint in a straitjacket
A/g Undersecretary
Ministry of Women’s Liberation
Love God Heaven