Ho, ho, ho, pre-empting the silly season stories

Its just three weeks from Christmas so I thought I’d help those news organisations with a few ole trusty news angles that appear every Christmas. Early this month we had a new variation with Cocaine Christmas cards from Chile, which I believe would provide a new style of season greetings for all the family. So here are a couple of stories you can expect in coming weeks.

SANTA BANISHED – The usual beat-up story about the non-attendance of Santa Claus to one child-care centre in the state, which is of course blamed on ethnic sensitivities. The ole Reverend Nile brigade will be up in arms, next step it will be jihad against the Easter Bunner and the Tooth-Fairy has already been placed on notice (although Bill Heffernan is particularly uncomfortable with this ‘disturbed imaginary character’). When an investigation is carried out it will be discovered that it was the child centre not a non-Christian complainant that instigated the ban. Still sending Santa back to the Pole, will ensure a few good weeks Muslim bashing that can be enjoyed by all.

FAT SANTA FIRED – Evil political correctness has seen John ‘Bowling Ball’ Bradley replaced as the town’s Santa Claus, after fears that the representation of Santa was demeaning to the ‘horizontally challenged.’ To appreciate such sensitivities on display, the duties of the town Santa will instead by handled by Peter ‘Pretzel’ Parker.
In a statement the Major Nobody of the Town Which Refuses To Be Named as That Would be Discriminatory said: “This was a difficult decision, as whatever Santa we provided it was bound to offend someone. We put an ad in the local paper for a Hermaphrodite, Muslim/Hindu/Christian/Wicker-Atheistic-Agnostic Santa, whose countenance would be unreflective of any social demographic. Unfortunately none of the applicants were deemed appropriate. Instead we gave the job to the “socially and intellectually challenged” Parker (PC interpretation – village idiot) who will perform his duties with the greatest of dignity possible. Although the council does not have a position on Parker’s beliefs that he is the regular willing victim of anal probes from the visitors of the planet Zdyrnek 42.”

SECULAR CHRISTMAS, THE HORROR, THE HORROR – We’ve lost our belief, no-one thinks about what Christmas is based upon anymore. Instead of spending hours being bored stiff in church, most families spend Christmas with family and loved-ones or are still recovering from the hangover emanating from December 24 excesses.

EVIL MATERIALIST CONSPIRACY – Christmas is just a paean to the Capitalist interests of several elite companies. Of course if we explore this in detail, we actually see that the basis of Christmas is not “Christ” and “mass”. Those etymologists who can see through the mirrors of conspiracy and who are not in the pay of multinational interests will be aware of this. The word is in fact an amalgamation of its founders, shipbuilder Christopher Furness and the weapons manufacturing company T.M.A.S., who at the time were in the process of procuring wealthy military contracts with both the Hapsurgs and Romanovs. It was expected that the Christmas holiday would also provide a healthy fillip to Furness’s ailing subsidiary company “Stay-Up Stockings”, whose range of stockings were the predecessor to “Computer Socks” (engineered in the 1980s to never to fall down). Unfortunately, the chain mail encrusted “calculator socks”, were too cumbersome for your 19th century aristocrat who needed to be able to gallivant around like a dandy, the difficulty of swift stocking removal providing an impediment to the many participants of parliamentary orgies. This is documented by the precedent of owners of such stockings being forced to receive a ‘good spanking’ from the ‘Whip’, something which Whigs and Tories either feared or secretly desired. Furness whose business interests were damaged by an economic slowdown abroad, was however strategically positioned to re-market his stockings as Christmas adornments, with a robust-enough construction to withstand the depositing of Christmas presents.
To complete this diabolical scheme, Furness would endeavour to alter many popular literary texts to remove the many pagan celebrations. One such example is Charles Dickens “My Bloody Wife Carole”, a tale about a sexually frustrated alcoholic whose failure to sexually satisfy his rotund wife Carole with his “Tiny Tim” would lead to a string of strange flashbacks and hallucinations. This would be replaced by the much more uplifting “A Christmas Carol”, Furness ensuring the subtle placement of Tiny Tim’s turkey (owning a 60% of the land on which pheasants farming was practiced), would provide a powerful form of cross-marketing, setting a precedent of practice that would be mastered by 20th media conglomerates.

Of course I should note that the silly season has already come early, for example Fox News’s Neil Cavuto is offended by the upcoming film ‘Bad Santa’.

“I know I sound like a prude, but I find nothing funny about a fornicating, cursing, booze-guzzling Santa whose idea of helping a kid is taking advantage of that kid, then coming back and realizing he was a schmuck with that kid.
If that’s what you call a Christmas transformation, transform me out of here!
I’ll admit, I’m more “Miracle on 34th Street,” than “Nightmare on 42nd Street.”
I like my Santa sober.
I like my Santa kind.
I like my Santa decent.
It’s one of the few things good we can hang onto. Leave it to Hollywood to mock it and scores of jaded and twisted reviewers to hype it.
I was dumb enough to think those reviewers were onto something. I was wrong. They’re apparently just “on” something.”

The story apparently an idea from those delightfully wacky Coen brothers. According this synopsis

“”Bad Santa” is the story of two conmen who go on a road trip to malls dressed as Santa and his elf. Rather than spreading good cheer, the duo’s motive is to rob each establishment, a strategy that becomes complicated when they encounter an 8-year-old who teaches them the true meaning of Christmas.”

I guess what Cavuto and his ilk fail to consider is for a Christmas film to be appealing, it also has to provide some interest to the adult who is accompanying the child, a good example is the mass Box Office success of ‘Shrek.’ If I had kids (thanking my lucky stars I don’t) and was forced to take them to a Christmas movie, I know I’d probably choose a film like this rather than the usual dull productions that come around this time of year. But then again we are talking about Fox News who apparently think an HIV-positive character on Sesame Street is a menace to America’s children and that Howard Dean’s support for civil marriages is the most important political issue of the day.

Maybe the incarnation of ‘Bad Santa’ can be blamed on my family. Alongside my annual letter to Santa to help the starving children of Ethiopia, my Dad always left out a beer and a carrot, which was always gone in the morning. It seems that it was this behaviour that corrupted poor ole Santa and got him into the trouble he was in. Not only did we add to the obesity of his reindeers. Worse, we ended up with a Santa as drunk as the Samoan rugby supporter who tackled Louis Koen.

This Christmas we might need to collectively put out some coins on the balcony so that Santa can afford the visit to the Betty Ford Clinic he so desperately requires. Just hope he doesn’t spend the money on booze or flush it down the pokies.

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2022 years ago

Ken, DO NOT OPEN the Xmas card I sent you from Bolivia!!! No seriously, we’ve seen absolutely no evidence of Bolivian Marching powder or any other stimulant other than coca leaves (which taste awful, except in lollies)although we’d really like something to help our breathing at this altitude. All part of the adventure I suppose.

2022 years ago

I love Santa – so many threats can be issued over such an extended period … Santa only brings presents to:

girls who sleep in their own bed
girls who don’t bite their baby brothers
girls who don’t scribble all over the newly-painted walls
girls who don’t cut their hair with those great sharp bloody scissors (and who left them out? Santa won’t be bringing you the latest Dido album, will he now?)

We had a resident fairy for a number of years – left notes to the sweet little fairy-believer (now the Dido fan – well at least its not Britney). Typical fairy note (often written on singed around the edges lunchwrapper – for verisimillitude, you know ): “I’m sorry, but I just can’t visit you until your rooms clean. Fairies only like tidy girls…”
I really miss that fairy.