Toilet Terror!

I note – via the SMH – that Qantas will no longer permit people to ‘congregate’ on long haul flights, with particular reference to hanging around outside the loos. The directive was apparently issued late yesterday by the US Transport and Security Administration, which is demanding that pilots make a pre-flight announcement banning passengers from “congregating in groups around toilets or anywhere else in the aircraft.” It’s unclear whether this directive is based on evidence that terrorists are currently hanging around outside the loos trading the latest hints and tips in exploding sock techniques or, is merely meant as a precautionary measure. Whatever, it shows precious little familiarity with the grim reality of long-haul international air travel. The worthies at the USTSA should maybe test their own extended bladder retention capability (EBRC) between LA and Sydney before they consign the rest of us to our grim fate. What do you do if you’re in Coach? Stick your hand up and wait till some Trolly Dolly deigns to respond to your presumptuous imposition on her/his valuable time?

‘May I go to the toilet please.”

“No. You may not at, this time. All toilet facilities are prioritised for our valued First and Business class passengers until 2 hours before arrival when you will be alerted to your 1.25 minute Allocated Toilet Time (ATT). In the meantime, it would help us if you refrained from eating or drinking as unreasonable economy passenger demands for these services inconveniences both your Inflight Service Team (IST) and your practice of effective bladder and bowel retention control techniques (EBBRCT). Do not ask for anything and remember that any unauthorised seat egress (USE) will be instantly countered by our crack team of Inflight Safety Commandos (ISC). Have a good flight and thank you for flying Qantas.

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Tim
Tim
2022 years ago

On the flight to and from Nawlins you weren’t allowed out of your seat at all, including loo-going, in the first or last 30 minutes of the flight. That’s an hour out of a 2 hr 20 min flight. Didn’t ocur to me at the time, but it is probably some sort of anti-terror measure too. And it worked!

wen
wen
2022 years ago

Time to work on those pelvic floor muscles, guys.

Maybe the ISC’ll provide inflight pelvic aerobic sessions:

Come on everyone: Squeeze, relax, squeeze and hold. Doesn’t that feel good. Keep holding. Only seven more hours…

David
2022 years ago

Qantas long haul is more likely a gent who used to be called a purser – appropriate for several reasons. I think they should be equipped with those cold steel teapotty sort of things you get in hospital if you are too weak to walk.

To take the suffering of our Nauruian prisoners completely in vain, until then we should just practice public catheterisation as a form of protest.

I suppose people who fornicate in the toilet should be exempt from this, on the grounds that people who play the two-backed bunny in a crowded plane don’t fit the cultural profile of an Arab terrorist.

Gummo Trotsky
2022 years ago

If my past experience is any indication, the worst congregators are young brits travelling from London to Noo Yawk in British Airways Cattle Class. For some bizarre reason they congregate in couples, too.

Yobbo
Yobbo
2022 years ago

Qantas stewards will love this. Another excuse to exercise their power trips and bitch about “asshole passengers” to each other while staying in their 5 star hotels on the layover.

Norman
Norman
2022 years ago

My God! This means I’ll be treated in much the same manner as when I’m buying bacon at Woolworths. I hope I’ll be able to cope.
Now what else can we whinge about?

observa
observa
2022 years ago

Norman’s hit it on the head with a toilet queue button for each seat so you can all be rivetted watching the digital display up rhe front for your number coming up. Failing that I think the only answer for Yobbo is commission based beer/toilet queue wenches that can whistle as good as they get.

Geoff Honnor
Geoff Honnor
2022 years ago

“My God! This means I’ll be treated in much the same manner as when I’m buying bacon at Woolworths. I hope I’ll be able to cope.
Now what else can we whinge about?”

I assume you’re referring to pick-a-number deli queueing at Woolies, Norman? You should know that they rip open those cafe bacon packs you can pick up – without queueing – in the meats section, to stock the deli. You might benefit from enhanced discretionary supermarket practice (EDSP). I have a book on it…..

Gummo Trotsky
2022 years ago

At least at Woolies there’s no one in the queue waiting for the chance to dive into smallgoods display for a crack at the 0 Celsius club.

James Hamilton
James Hamilton
2022 years ago

Geoff you gotta get out of Sydney – nobody should live where they think up that kind of stuff. I must admit though I have wondered about the loose “free range” eggs before.

Norman
Norman
2022 years ago

Perhaps they’re laid by “loose” free range hens, who’ll accept any rooster?

Norman
Norman
2022 years ago

BACON UP
Geoff, after a full week survey, I have concluded that I usually CAN purchase bacon more economically from the deli counter. This may. of course, result in part at least from the fact that I tend to shop late in the evening.
I do this, incidentally, not to avoid the dreaded ticketing system, but to pick up bargains. The relaxed and friendly mood of the staff at that time of the day is a bonus. I reccomend it for you, Geoff, especially since it also removes any need to open bacon packs yourself.