IT haiku

Suzy Kruhse often sends group email jokes and vaguely humorous messages. They’re invariably the same ones that public servants spend all day emailing to each other (in between swapping copies of the Paris Hilton sex video) to avoid having to do any actual work. The following is a typical example of the genre, but I quite like it so I thought I’d publish it (simultaneously achieving a post without having to write anything original, and avoiding work for fifteen minutes or so – just like all the other public service bludgers):

Here are some actual error messages seen on computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren’t these better than “your computer has performed an illegal operation”?
– The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
– Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
– Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
– Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
– Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
– Your file was so big. It might have been very useful. But now it is gone.
– Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
– A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
– Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
– You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
– Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
– Having been erased, The document you’re seeking must now be re-keyboarded.
– Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank

Problem and Response (not haiku, but IT-related)
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In Addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

REPLY:
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the Command C:\I T HOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9. Good Luck,

Tech Support

About Ken Parish

Ken Parish is a legal academic, with research areas in public law (constitutional and administrative law), civil procedure and teaching & learning theory and practice. He has been a legal academic for almost 20 years. Before that he ran a legal practice in Darwin for 15 years and was a Member of the NT Legislative Assembly for almost 4 years in the early 1990s.
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Andrew
Andrew
2021 years ago

Sorry, the haiku aren’t from Japan (why would the Japanese write English language haiku?) but from a competition run by Salon.com back in 1996 or 97. Those were the eventual winners, but there were some pearlers in the also-rans as well. You can read them ,a href=”http://archive.salon.com/21st/chal/1998/02/10chal2.html”>here.

Andrew
Andrew
2021 years ago

Sorry, the haiku aren’t from Japan (why would the Japanese write English language haiku?) but from a competition run by Salon.com back in 1996 or 97. Those were the eventual winners, but there were some pearlers in the also-rans as well. You can read them ,here.