Northern Territory Etiquette

Here’s a Suzy email, almost certainly more locally representative than her tantric poem immediately below:

NORTHERN TERRITORY ETIQUETTE
General Rules
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
It’s tacky to take an esky to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take
the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using ones OWN ute keys.
Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a
woman’s jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.”
Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM, others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s
the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movie ends.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and
a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun’s
loaded and the roo’s in sight.
When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres
doesn’t always have the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite
to ask her to also bring back beer.