For the parents of teenage girls.
Letter to a Mother: A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition and trembling hands, she reads it:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend; I know how upset you will be but I am truly happy. I have found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it to sell to support ourselves and our children. In the meantime, we’ll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit for I know you will want to get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it’s not true. I’m over at Sarah’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school’s report card that’s in my desk’s drawer … I love you!
This and many other jokes (more than 4000 of them) can be found here.
Got your Nigerian scam letter today? Ever thought about sending a reply ? Go here for some ideas.
An extract from Reply number 5.
Alternative Reply No. 5
GREETINGS TO YOU FROM THIS SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC.
I KNOW THIS LETTER WILL COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU AS WE HAVE NOT MET EACH OTHER BEFORE OR INDEED HAD ANY CORRESPONDENCE BUT I FELT GUIDED BY THE HAND OF GOD TO SEND YOU THIS MESSAGE. (HE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS HIS WONDERS TO PERFORM)
MY NAME IS FANNY TOSSPOT THE ONLY DAUGHTER OF TOTAL TOSSPOT THE MOST POPULAR JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLER IN ENGLAND. MY FATHER WAS MYSTERIOUSLY POISONED BY SOME OF HIS ENEMIES IN THE JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLING WORLD AND SPENT DAYS IN AGONY AT THE LOCAL HOSPITAL BEFORE HE PASSED WIND (AND AWAY). MAY HIS GENTLE SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE
MY FATHER HOLD ME SO DEAR THAT ON HIS DEATHBED HE CONFIDED IN ME THAT HE HAD A GREAT FORTUNE (TOTALLING £43.90) WHICH HE HAD TAKEN FROM HIS ARCH RIVAL AND JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLING WORLD CHAMPION WILLY WANKER. IN ORDER TO SAFEGUARD THIS TREASURE FROM HIS ENEMIES MY DEAR FATHER ARRANGED FOR IT TO BE SENT BY DIPLOMATIC COURIER OUT OF ENGLAND TO A SAFE PLACE IN NIGERIA.
FOLLOWING MY FATHER’S UNTIMELY DEMISE MY MOTHER STARTED DRINKING IN A BIG WAY AND TAKING UP WITH MUCKY MEN WITH A PENCHANT FOR FERRET RACING. SHE WAS LAST SEEN SEARCHING WITH HER TONGUE FOR A LOST FERRET DOWN ONE OF HER MENFRIEND’S INCREDIBLY TIGHT TROUSERS. UNFORTUNATELY THE FERRET MISTOOK HER TONGUE FOR A FEMALE FERRET AND PROCEEDED TO GIVE IT A GOOD SHAGGING. THAT FERRET MY FRIEND WAS INFECTED WITH GONORRHOEA, SYPHILIS, HALITOSIS, BUNIONS AND HAEMORRHOIDS AND CONSEQUENTLY MY DEAR MOTHER WAS TAKEN BY THE GOOD LORD TO JOIN MY FATHER.
I AM ALL ALONE NOW APART FROM MY 14 YEAR OLD BROTHER DICK TOSSPOT WHO HAS INHERITED MY FATHER’S GENITAL WARTS BUT NOT UNFORTUNATELY HIS JELLY AND CUSTARD WRESTLING SKILLS.
AS I AM ONLY 17 AND TECHNICALLY STILL A VIRGIN I CANNOT OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT IN NIGERIA WITHOUT PROVIDING PROOF OF MY FATHER’S DEATH AND HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE WAS CHEWED UP, SWALLOWED AND REGURGITATED BY OUR PET DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUS. THIS IS WHY I IMPLORE YOU TO ASSIST ME IN TRANSFERRING THE MONEY TO A SAFE BANK ACCOUNT IN NIGERIA.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR NAME AND I WILL ARRANGE WITH MY LAWYER, MR P.D O’FILE, TO MAKE ALL NECESSARY TRANSACTIONS WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY SO THAT MY FATHER’S FORTUNE CAN BE TRANSFERRED TO THAT ACCOUNT.
PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT THIS IS A TOTALLY 100% RISK-FREE, LEGAL TRANSACTION AND THAT ALL MODALITIES ARE IN PLACE.