They should be so lucky

Yes alright, the election is on 9 October. So?* The big news of the day is that Kerry Armstrong has slagged our Kylie and our Nicole:

“I truly believe with acting and singing those two have done more damage than anyone I’ve ever seen,” she said. “I really do believe there is a correlation with the despair we’re feeling and the fact that Kylie Minogue cannot sing. Why has she become a national icon? For achieving something that was beyond her ability.

“The fact that Meryl Streep had to stand beside Nicole Kidman in The Hours – I just thought it was unbearable.”

kidman.jpgIs she just trying to get publicity for her new film? Early onset menopause? Or just plain bitchiness? I mean, admittedly Nicole isn’t the world’s greatest actor, but she’s at least moderately competent. And good looks have always given actors a walk-up start to superstardom. It’s hardly a new phenomenon, although you can understand competitors like Armstrong, who is doubly handicapped by modest talent and very ordinary looks, being a bit peeved.

kylie2.jpgAs for Kylie, well it’s true that she can’t sing, dance or act to save herself, but she’s got a great butt and that means a lot. And she joins a long line of dubiously-talented gay kitsch icons, a proud tradition where shameless excess is much more important than talent. Actually, Jen is in the process of formulating the script and soundtrack for her new story-dance morality play extravaganza, in which a sexual harasser boss gets aggressively sexually harassed in turn by a gang of outrageously campy gay boys. It needs a danceable gay torch song as accompaniment. Think “Singin’ In the Rain” during the seminal scene of A Clockwork Orange. Kylie’s “I Should Be So Lucky” might even be a contender, although it’s more than a tad insipid. Personally I favour Edith Piaf singing “Non, Rien De Rien, Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien”. Jen will come up with her own solution, but it can’t hurt to give her a few extra ideas. Any suggestions?

* Although I have to admit that starting his election announcement press conference with the statement “This election, ladies and gentlemen, will be about trust“, as Howard did, added a genuinely classy touch. It’s right up there with Bill Clinton’s immortal “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky“.

About Ken Parish

Ken Parish is a legal academic, with research areas in public law (constitutional and administrative law), civil procedure and teaching & learning theory and practice. He has been a legal academic for almost 20 years. Before that he ran a legal practice in Darwin for 15 years and was a Member of the NT Legislative Assembly for almost 4 years in the early 1990s.
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jen
jen
2022 years ago

Welcome to the Pleasure Dome Frankie goes to Hollywood is the frontrunner at the moment – always open to an alternative –

Niall
Niall
2022 years ago

You’re right on both counts…..or should that be all three counts. Kidman definately can’t act. Minogue may not be able to incite the music centre of the average mind, but seriously, Kerry Armstrong definately does not excite the erogenous zones of any Aussie male.

Rex
Rex
2022 years ago

Campy torch songs? Too predicatable. Every movie’s done it.

Think instead 70s glam rock. Maybe Suzie Q’s Too Big, Slade – Skweeze Me Pleeze Me, but for the sake of unneccessary controversy I’d steer clear of Gary Glitter.

Graham
2022 years ago

Hmm, for Kerry Armstrong to comment on people’s bad acting…

Link
2022 years ago

I reckon you’re being a bit hard on Kezza, she’s got cheekbones to die for and is much more interesting looking than either Nic or Kyles. Nic I reckon, looked more intelligent with a prosthetic nose.

jen
jen
2022 years ago

rex
thankyou
i needed to get past the 80’s

Zoe
Zoe
2022 years ago

I don’t think you’re being too harsh on her. Remember that Australian Story where she organised a protest with women wearing their bras outside their shirts Can’t remember what the protest was about, but I think her bra was magenta.

observa
observa
2022 years ago

Kylie- Australia’s own Ann Margaret and couldn’t that girl raise the temperature in the ‘suggestive only’ era. For a classic example of that try her getting changed under a sweater in the sing and dance film “Bye Bye Birdie”.

Martin Pike
2022 years ago

Kylie is pretty lousy in the musical department, although Kerry also made some criticism about her being an overblown local star, whereas anyone who has been to london knows she is a superstar there, and much more idolised than here.

Nicole on the other hand is an excellent actor, Moulin Rouge and Eyes wide shut are recent standouts, and no-one who has seen the Bangkok Hilton would ever (once they had stopped bawling their eyes out) suggest she sux.

TimT
2022 years ago

How the F**k does Kerry Armstrong know that Kylie Minogue is a bad singer? It’s impossible to know with the pop music industry, who digitally manipulate the heck out of a wrong note.
Even so, Kylie is an excellent businesswoman and a great stayer; she’s been around for twenty years. And she’s got a great sense of humour – she’s comes across wonderfully in interviews.

As for Nicole Kidman being a bad actor? The Others. Nuff said.

Both have paid their way and in the process opened up markets for the Australian industry. But Kerry honestly says that they’ve done harm to the Australian film and television industry. What planet is she living on? If anything, it’s this kind of vindictive attack by a far less successful and arguably less talented actors that is harming the industry.

mark
2022 years ago

I agree, Martin, Kidman’s a good actor. I *do* wonder why you singled out Moulin Rouge and Eyes Wide Shut, though (I haven’t seen ’em, but going by reputation…). The “voting with your wangdoodle” comments-thread is that-away =============>

Martin Pike
2022 years ago

If I was voting with my wangdoodle for either of these ladies on some pop idol type show it would be a hard choice. Kezza definitely cums further down the list, although in fairness, and having a soft spot for the assertive mature lady, I think she would certainly know how to firm up one’s base support. Being a buttock man, although I think Kiddo is the more pretty of the two, for a bit of the raw politic I’d have to wangdoodle Kylie onto my final podium.

Of course, it would be most murdoch (biased) of me not to canvass all candidates…