What about the drug-crazed cyborgs?

Journalists everywhere are wringing their their hands about the consequences of Australia’s ageing population. But why is it that they have left out the most important part of the demographic transition? In the future, old people will become drug-crazed cyborgs.

Falling fertility will be one cause of the coming gray plague. The other will be falling mortality – if it’s technologically possible old people will refuse to die. As parts of their body fail they will replace them with artificial parts – mechanical hearts, stair climbing wheelchairs, robotic arms, and electronically enhanced brains. No longer will they be confined to nursing homes. Instead they will be out and about, streaking around shopping malls like a cross between Davros and the Terminator.

There are some pessimistic folks who think that human beings might be able to live for 5000 years or more. And how many hundreds of years of hang gliding, bungee jumping, or drunken motorcycle riding does it take before a broken back is a certainty? As tomorrow’s wrinklies get older and older they will accumulate disabilities. They will crash their cars, fall down stairs, and cut chunks off themselves with power tools while renovating the house.

As our senior citizens gradually replace their body parts with robotics and silicon chips they will eventually become Daleks. And thanks to the work of scientists and engineers like Dean Kamen the Dalek stair climbing problem will be solved forever. It will no longer be possible to evade them by running up a flight of stairs. However other problems will remain. Dalek-like oldies will have claws rather than hands. They will have trouble doing useful work. And in any case, having worked hard and paid taxes for 40 or 50 years they will feel entitled to retire for the next four or five thousand. So, like Daleks, this new cyborg race of old people will need to achieve world domination in order to survive. They will need a constant supply of human slaves to work and pay taxes while they shop, travel the country in caravans, and surf the internet downloading hardcore cyborg porn.

Yes porn! Just because they are made of titanium and silicon chips does not mean they will lose interest in having an interest in sex. In the future old people will stoke their libidos with drugs. And just as they will refuse to put up with a lack of sexual desire they will refuse to put up with unhappiness or boredom. They will insist on chemically maintained Cliff Richard-level cheeriness and ambition. Who knows what frightening side effects drugs like that might have.

All this chemistry and technology will cost money – vast quantities of it. Naturally the only reliable way to secure it will be through time travel. The story line of the Terminator movies was only part fiction. It is almost certain that the old people of the future will send carefully disguised cyborgs back in time to make sure that governments accumulate vast budget surpluses. The first step will be to nip the long running Whitlam government in the bud – before it is able to increase spending to its current 70% of GDP and institute a permanent deficit. It is likely that they will engineer some kind of coup with the help of the leader of the opposition, the Governor General, and the CIA (the CIA has always been controlled by Daleks).

The Dalek’s plan is cunning. They will take out the treasurer by installing an irresistible sexborg in his office. The resulting scandal will weaken the government and pave the way for its collapse and dismissal.

With government expansion stopped the next step will be to install a cyborg as federal treasurer. His job will be to hold back government spending and allow the Treasury to build up the huge surpluses the Daleks need to hold onto power in the future. And strange as it might seem, our only hope to defeat the geriatric cyborgs of the future is a little known Liberal politician called John Howard. He will bring the federal Liberal Party back from the brink of destruction and do battle with the cyborg treasurer. Only the tenacious and mild-mannered Howard can defeat the cyborg. If Howard succeeds he will run down the budget surpluses by jacking up government spending to such a high level that the Daleks hold on the future collapses. Then Whitlam will return and peace and tranquility will return to the present.

Note: I have inserted special HTML code into this post to prevent it being changed should any part of the Dalek’s plan succeed. If the Whitlam government has not secured their historic 10th term you will know that the Daleks have already infiltrated the past. If that happens you will have lost all memory of the birth of Australia’s world famous social democracy. This blog post will be the only trace left. Your only hope is that John Howard becomes and remains Prime Minister long enough to achieve his mission. Good luck.

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David Tiley
2022 years ago

That’s very clever. Thank you.

Scott Wickstein
2022 years ago

I, for one, welcome our new Dalek Overlords.

Angry
2022 years ago

It’s funny.
I read the first part of your rant and the first thing I thought of was Davros.

(In dalek voice)
We are your elders! You will obey!!

Don
Don
2022 years ago

I think it’s just you and me Tiley. Everyone else seems to have fallen under Dalek control.

We need to make sure John Howard never retires. What should we do?

David Tiley
2022 years ago

I’ve got several Queens live down the back of this block of flats who do great impersonations. It’s even better if they don’t have to wear high heels.

Right at the moments the drug of adulation will keep Howard going for centuries. The ALP has disappeared into Dr Sasher-Masoch’s Academy of Compulsive Political Failure.

grrr..

Greg Chinery
Greg Chinery
2022 years ago

Loved it. Thanks Don, a geat piece of writing that made me laugh, cheers.

saint
2022 years ago

Just…too…funny. Nice one Don.

blank
blank
2022 years ago

Now I understand why it is that the government in one breath carries on about the future unaffordability of the Age Pension, while simultaneously increaseing the number of oldies who are eligible.

Not so long ago, pensioner concessions were available only for pensioners who received the full pension, now just a dollar of pension per fortnight gets the lucky pensioner all concessions.

When GST was introduced, to ‘help’ pensioners, the taper rate was changed from 50c to 40c.
This means that struggling, poor old pensioner couples, who under the old rules would have been cut off at $46,000 pa, now get a top up until their income exceedes $57,083 pa.

Homer Paxton
Homer Paxton
2022 years ago

Who are you?

you must be exterminated, you must be exterminated!!

Mark Bahnisch
Mark Bahnisch
2022 years ago

Yikes, looks like you’re right, Don.

http://www.couriermail.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5936,11528153%255E952,00.html

The Courier-Mail heads off this take on changing demography in the future with:

“JANE Doe is 33 years old. She’s just entered the workforce for the first time because it has taken her about 10 years of university degrees and training to become qualified for a job.

Then again, there’s no hurry

derrida derider
derrida derider
2022 years ago

Thanks, Don, you’ve cheered me up. I can’t wait to get old now – being a drug crazed cyborg sounds cool.