Banning Santa is a great way to attract publicity
With only 13 days left to Christmas it’s time for newspapers and TV stations to track down politically correct kill-joys who want to ban Santa. If you’re getting impatient for your 15 minutes of fame it’s time to make your move.
The ‘political correctness gone mad’ story is a staple in the news business. To make the story work the journalist needs 2 things:
1. An attempt to ban something innocent and pleasurable on the grounds that it might offend some minority group.
2. A politically correct villain. The villain must be secular, left wing, and in favor of causes such as multiculturalism.
This all seems simple enough but there’s a few tricks to it. If you try to ban a Hindu or Islamic celebration you’ll probably be ignored as an uninteresting racist nutter. The custom or celebration you’re trying to ban must be something ubiquitous and mainstream. To be a proper ‘political correctness gone mad’ story almost every sensible person must disagree with you.
You’ll also need to present yourself in the right way. If, for example, you demanded that Santa be banned because he was leading children away from Christ then you’ll probably be ignored as an uninteresting fundamentalist Christian nutter. You need to be instantly identifiable as ‘politically correct.’ That means educated, secular, and left wing.
If you’re a man wear your hair long and think about cultivating an unruly beard. If you’re a woman make sure you let the hair on your legs and armpits grow for a few weeks. You’ll also need to dress the right way. Try wearing rustic looking hemp clothing or something exotic from the Oxfam shop. Show signs of supporting the right causes – refugees, the environment, women’s issues, and opposition to the war in Iraq. A good story needs a good photograph. Don’t blow it by wearing a suit and tie.
If you think you can manage it, try presenting yourself as a member of a gay couple with children. If you don’t have your own children you might be able to borrow some from a friend. Try to find kids who are old enough to talk but young enough to still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. The idea that you are inflicting your politically correct nonsense on innocent children will add extra poignancy to the story. People will be angry at you because you’re depriving children of a proper Christmas. This is good.
Around the world journalists are itching to write a story about politically correct oppressors who want to ban Santa. All they need is you.