How Australian are you?

Australian citizenship is a valuable thing – too valuable to be wasted on people who don’t understand our fundamental values, beliefs, and traditions. In Britain they’ve been working on a new ‘Britishness test‘ for would-be citizens. Their Labour party says that it wants to help new settlers with a knowledge of UK life in order to foster social cohesion. We should follow their lead… but go further (Aussies are competitive like that – it’s in our nature).

Too many people who live in the great country of ours aren’t real Australians. In a more relaxed and comfortable age this wouldn’t be a problem. But in today’s wide and mortgaged land girt by terrorist threats there’s no room for complacency. What we need is an Australian-ness test administered to all prospective voters regardless of their place of birth. Here are some suggestions on what to ask:

1. The most important thing in life is:

(a) paying off the mortgage on the family home and then buying an investment property
(b) serving God and living according to his commandments
(c) living in harmony with the natural environment.

2. The greatest threat to Australia’s future is:

(a) rising interest rates
(b) inequality and social injustice
(c) global warming and environmental degradation

3. Mateship means:

(a) laughing together at the same jokes
(b) helping the less fortunate
(c) patriarchal oppression

4. The major cause of terrorism is:

(a) foreigners who are different to normal people and should be kept out of the country
(b) poverty and oppression
(c) a lack of respect for cultural difference

5. The Americans are:

(a) our mates
(b) inhabitants of an unequal society
(c) the most dangerous hegemonic power in the world today

6. On the weekend I like to:

(a) go shopping
(b) attend a place of worship
(c) tend my vegetable patch and go for long walks in the bush

7. Education is important because:

(a) my kids won’t be able to get a well-paid job without it
(b) it is how children learn moral values
(c) it is an antidote to patriarchal, capitalist, heterocentric ideology

8. The abortion issue is:

(a) boring
(b) a serious moral issue that should be discussed with intelligence and sensitivity
(c) a mechanism for the oppression of women

9. Sport is:

(a) the only reason I ever buy a newspaper
(b) an important part of the Australian social fabric
(c) an ideological mechanism to distract the oppressed

10. People on the dole:

(a) are costing me money
(b) need help to update their skills and find work
(c)
serve the interests of capital by keeping the workers in line

Scoring:

Mostly (a): You are a real Australian. You understand the importance of work, paying off the mortgage, and minding your own business. You know how to have fun and don’t spend your time fussing over trendy political issues. Here’s your pencil and ballot paper…

Mostly (b): You mean well but get too caught up in religion and do-gooding when you should be paying off your mortgage and minding your own business. You are at risk of becoming a dangerous religious fanatic. Be assured that the government is taking care of things. Just be glad you have a job and interest rates are low(ish). You can vote this time… but we’re watching you.

Mostly (c) We’ve searched your (rented) home and found the Noam Chomsky books, Michael Moore videos and rainforest posters. We’ve arranged for you to attend voluntary classes on Australian beliefs, values, and traditions. You’ll have an opportunity to learn that John Butler is not really Australian or American (he’s from California) and that the government knows things about asylum seekers that it can’t tell you about but that fully justify our locking them up. If you insist on watching Michael Moore you should get a proper job and buy a DVD player instead of using your mum’s old VCR. Put down the pencil and step away from the booth…

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Ken Parish
Ken Parish
2022 years ago

This post lacks at least one complete identifiable and semi-coherent thread of responses. You should add:

1. The most important thing in life is:

(d) biggest mobs of beers and a root (with me mates if I’m a rugby league player, and if I can get it up after lots of beers).

2. The greatest threat to Australia’s future is:

(d) morally degenerate leftie wankers.

3. Mateship means:

(d) sharing biggest mobs of beers and a root with me mates (especially if I’m a rugby league player).

4. The major cause of terrorism is:

(d) who cares? Only morally degenerate leftie wankers ask about causes. We should just kill the cunts.

5. The Americans are:

(d) wankers, but their music and movies aren’t bad.

6. On the weekend I like to:

(d) have biggest mobs of beers and a root.

7. Education is important because:

(d) it gets you a good job so you can afford biggest mobs of beer and a root.

8. The abortion issue is:

(d) something only morally degenerate leftie wankers and God-botherers woud bother discussing.

9. Sport is:

(d) what Aussie blokes who aren’t morally degenerate leftie wankers do on Saturdays before biggest mobs of beers and a root.

10. People on the dole:

(d) are morally degenerate leftie wankers or thickhead bludgers like the Paxtons. Either way, an electric cattle prod to the gonads would fix them.

Irant
2022 years ago

Don, I’d add:

What is the highest position in public office in Australia?

(a) The Australian Cricket Captain
(b) The Prime Minister
(c) Crown Princess of Denmark

jen
jen
2022 years ago

Wishful thinking OLD boy, wishful thinking.
Yes love, the vtagra is on the bench next to the non-alcoholic cider.
I know love, but the Tooheys Old just doesn’t agree with you – gummed you up for weeks last time, the specialist told you….
Good idea, and take the paper into the outside loo if you’re going to do that – and close the door! I don’t want old Mrs Pilsbury taking another one of her turns.

Jason Soon
Jason Soon
2022 years ago

Don
this test is too limiting. I couldn’t answer a, b or c to any of those questions with the exception of 5 where I put a

yobbo
2022 years ago

I pretty much agree with Ken. D for every question.

Mark Bahnisch
2022 years ago

Irant, the answer to your question is clearly (c).

Nabakov
Nabakov
2022 years ago

I’m Australian enough to say what a bloody stupid question – and pissweak choices too.

Far cough.

Ken Parish
Ken Parish
2022 years ago

Sam

Strangely enough, I had you in mind when I drafted option (d).

Irant
2022 years ago

Mark, sadly I agree with you. Of course if Steve Waugh was still captain the answer would be (a).

yobbo
2022 years ago

It’s like you crawled inside my brain.

Mary Walsh
Mary Walsh
2022 years ago

What defines an Australian? “Australians” from many countries voted John Howard into government with an absolute majority. Is JH’s loyalities really with this Country or all the way “with the US of A? We’d have to start with sorting out how some of us see the Prime Minister as an Australian, first and foremost!

Yobbo
Yobbo
2022 years ago

Is it at all possible to have a single thread that doesn’t involve how much the left hates Howard?

I really hate Celine Dion, but you don’t see me typing it in every single comment ever, do you?

gringo
gringo
2022 years ago

I am sure that we would hear about it if she was leading this country into a fourth term.