They’re all fucktards

It’s lucky I’m feeling positive about life generally, or this would be an unbearably depressing Friday night. Not only does Jen insist on watching some mind-numbingly dreadful Walt Disney telemovie starring Julie Andrews, but it’s “Territory Night”.

The NT is the only part of Australia that that hasn’t prohibited “cracker night”, and this is it. Every half-witted teenager in Darwin has blown hundreds of dollars of mum and dad’s hard-earned cash on every species of fireworks imaginable. Dogs and cats are being driven demented, grassfires starting all over the place, and small children are losing fingers and eyes, all to make a social statement about what rugged (if moronic) individualists Territorians are. I could compose the letters to the editor of the NT News with my eyes shut: “if youse social engineering, interfering wankers from “down south” don’t like it, youse can piss off back where ya came from” (or words to that effect).

The only good thing about it is that the tribe of yobbos and yobbesses in the flats next door seem to have spent up big on fireworks as well. With any sort of luck, they won’t have had much of their dole money left over for speed and alcohol, and we’ll be spared the delights of screaming, fighting and repetitive rap music until 5am (in contrast to last weekend). Arseholes.

I wonder why they didn’t sign me up for that Grumpy Old Men TV show? They were positively amiable by comparison.

About Ken Parish

Ken Parish is a legal academic, with research areas in public law (constitutional and administrative law), civil procedure and teaching & learning theory and practice. He has been a legal academic for almost 20 years. Before that he ran a legal practice in Darwin for 15 years and was a Member of the NT Legislative Assembly for almost 4 years in the early 1990s.
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jen
jen
2022 years ago

There is quite a lot to talk about here isn’t there?

If Parish wasn’t such an unhappy fat wanker he would appreciate the joi de vivre of the folks next door, the spectacle and earsplitting violence of the crackers going off like world war two and the cats and dogs dying in droves.

What really concerns me about him though, is his total disrespect for the marvelous talent that is – Julie Andrews – . The woman is a holy relic. And a testament to well engineered facial reconstruction. As Queen of Genovia in The Princess Diaries , she is a Queen par excellence.

A grumpy old man?
What is it with the grumpy old men and women TV series? Although I will note, the women are way funnier than the men. I think that’s because they blame themselves for growing old and ugly. And for some suspiciously grotesque reason, female self-deprecation is funny.
The men, on the other hand, are sure their irritation can be sourced to the ‘youth these days’.
Just like you Parish! As well as being the most boring man alive you are also a tiresome old twat who hates Julie Andrews and shopping for furniture in Indonesia. Don’t go thinking you rate in the celebrity smelly old men stakes.
You aren’t interesting Parish.
You are Mr Bland, at bedtime muttering something about your pyjama pants.

GregM
GregM
2022 years ago

Well said Jen. Anyone who doesn’t have complete respect for the talent of Miss Julie Andrews deserves a good flogging followed by rehabilitation through the medium of repeated exposure to The Sound of Music, the greatest film ever made (and also full of very deep meaning).

Also the ACT, apparently, has a cracker night, to celebrate the Queen’s Birthday, of all things. Miss Julie Andrews would make a far better Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland etc. etc. etc. than the current occupant of that role, despite whatever David Flint thinks.

Finally, Indonesia is an excellent place to shop for furniture, especially Bandung, and those who think otherwise are completely ignorant about furniture shopping.

jen
jen
2022 years ago

Well said Greg. (irresistable)
Being a person of taste and honour is a very lonely business around here. Derided by insensitive lawyers rummaging for pyjama pants.

GregM
GregM
2022 years ago

Hide them from him Jen. He deserves no better.

Dirk Thruster
2022 years ago

Julie Andrews is indeed a Holy Relic, and like all Holy Relics she should be stuck in a crypt or mausoleum somewhere.

Rafe
2022 years ago

How come you didn’t watch The Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance, and the Tigers vs Manly and Collingwood vs Port?
Let those without ducted air conditioning cast the first stone in the pyjama pants war.

Al Bundy
Al Bundy
2022 years ago

Nope, I’m with Ken on this one, and he’ll no doubt join me in welcoming the new welfare-to-work initiatives of the federal government.

“With any sort of luck, they won’t have had much of their dole money left over for speed and alcohol”

With any sort of luck, the disaffected yoof next door may shortly be bereft of dole money, and too tired after working all day to party anyway.

penguin
penguin
2022 years ago

Dear old Canberra indeed retains cracker night and an anuual row about rules and regulations. (only ACT residents are permitted to purchase) RSPCA shelters fill up, small children seem surprised when they’re woken by explosions – seek an explanation and are told “nothing to worry about.”

Nicholas Gruen
2022 years ago

I liked cracker night as a kid. Sad they’re taking it off people because they blow themselves up.

Jacques Chester
Jacques Chester
2022 years ago

1. I had work at 8am this morning, so the discovery by my neighbours – at 1am – of their really, really loud crackers was most unwelcome.

2. Julie Andrews is alright, but “The Princess Diaries” has Anne Hathaway in it. She’s just outlandishly pretty, so I am prepared to forgive that movie’s various other qualities. Whatever they were.

3. The humour of grumpy old men is “everything”, whereas I expect grumpy old women to be about wrinkles, sags, clothes and hair; a kind of cabaret comedy of feminine narcissism gone awry.

Robert Merkel
2022 years ago

Personally, the saccharine lyrics of that trashy Sound of Music has always made *me* want to throw heavy objects at the television in an attempt to turn it off. If we have to watch a musical about Austria, could it be “Heroes in Tirol” instead?

David Tiley
2022 years ago

Cracker night is not the same without the hatred, vilification and sectarianism that marks the fifth of november.

Can I suggest a guy dressed like Julie Andrews, with a small recorder behind her dirndl singing ‘These are a few of my favourite things..’ as the flames roar higher?

You could burn an effigy of the Baron too, wearing Ken’s jarmies.

Why is Ken wearing jarmies anyway? The man is younger than me. And – sadly – probably slimmer.

Ken Parish
Ken Parish
2022 years ago

David

Actually, I wear silk boxer shorts as “pyjamas”. You should know by now that Jen is a congenital melodrama queen with a talent for poetic licence. As for slimmer, I’ve put on a few kilos lately and I’m seriously (but idly at this stage) thinking about getting back on a more disciplined exercise regime.

David Tiley
2022 years ago

My exercise regime has delivered me a huge right hand, which I often carry in a small trolley by my side, caused by the endless use of the mouse as I follow my heroes around ozblogistan.

Interesting how the word guy has changed meaning. I run a perfectly reasonable line about setting fire to an effigy of Julie Andrews and it becomes a sort of veiled assault on trannies.

The idea of firing up Julie is a good one. St Kilda is big on the village image, and villages since time immemorial have indulged in bouts of collective fighting in the village square. Hence the Siena festival, and the origins of football in Europe.

If we did the same with a tasteful but huge replica of Julie in the St Kilda festival, we could fight like fury to save or destroy the doll.

Sounds great to me.

David Tiley
2022 years ago

ps – now that Jen is unemployed, you could take away her pocket money when she acts up.

If you try, please please blog what happens…

Tex
Tex
2022 years ago

Speaking of Darwin: where are my salty plums?

*cough*

Al Bundy
Al Bundy
2022 years ago

“My exercise regime has delivered me a huge right hand, which I often carry in a small trolley by my side, caused by the endless use of the mouse…”

Oh, right. The ‘mouse’. I see. Or was that a euphemism wrapped in an obliquity?

I’m a bit slow on the uptake myself sometimes, not to bad on the down though.

David Tiley
2022 years ago

In order to employ the euphamism you speak of Al, I would have to be able to reach beneath my titanic gut.

Beneath this badinage, there is a serious point. Even with a bicycle, its hard to stay fit with all the time I spend on the computer. Like millions of other people in our times. And I go in fear of RSI – actually in my case a torn meniscus in my shoulder.

jen
jen
2022 years ago

Al
Obliquity – interesting. And if I wasn’t so damn lady like, I’d a thought he was talkin’ about… You know. The other.
David
How’s the Parish form? “I don’t wear pyjamas, I wear silk boxers” For the love of Mick! Who CARES what he wears to bed!
And another thing, about the pocket money, (a comment which could severely curtail my freedom) About the pocket money and the possible consequences of leaving me unfunded. Let me tell you now. Parish is far too mean spirited and cowardly, to tell anyone, anything really interesting. He is a Lawyer after all. – All you get on his blog is watered down eff – all.
Jen: What are you doing?
Parish: A post about nuclear energy.
Jen. Do one about me.
Parish:(and this is true!)Ho Ho Ho (like a yawn each “Ho” down one tone)
He treats me like a joke and won’t breathe a word of his real life in public, because, are you still reading? Because, on the surface, the man is so dull and innocuous that the bizarre and dangerous in Darwin are very attracted to him. It is a small town and I promise you, from the moment he set foot on Darwinian soil, he started stirring the insane. Over the last 20 years, he has left a trail of fascinating and excruciating situations behind him, and is, as I speak, planning the actors in the next carnival of chaos. Of course, I have a lead role, but, alas, I am gagged, and can say, nothing. So, dear David, he will never tell you what happens when he withdraws my allowance, because he will be way too worried about what the neighbours think.
Currently they’re all exactly where he wants them, happily tut tutting over their pool fences about, ‘That poor man, Just look what he has to put up with! You know this morning?, I saw HER tear off her own daughter’s arm. And eat it.

PB
PB
2022 years ago

Any fuddy-duddy whiny old safety-nazi who hates cracker night should have a whole packet of threepenny bungers lit, and dropped into the trousers of his flanelette pyjamas. We had humourless bastards like you when I was a callow youth, and your letterbox and outside dunny was subjected to unrelenting jihad, and rightly so.

jen
jen
2022 years ago

Irony is such a tricky thing to convey on a blog. Don’t you think Parish?

And PB, remember this. The Parish pyjama bottom is well guarded these days. He hangs onto them with the tenacity of a pitbull terrier. You wouldn’t get near them.