(1) It’s all down to the cunning evil racist manipulator HoWARd, who used his mincing minion Jonesy to inflame the ignorant, white bogan surfie meathead masses into a jingoistic frenzy against some basically harmless colourful ethnic oppressed yoofs.
(2) It’s all the fault of those lily-livered, lame-brained patronising lefties with their ill-conceived multiculturalism nonsense, bluffing the fundamentally good, honest NSW cops (well, Tim Priest’s mates anyway) into supine politically-correct inactivity under threat of retribution by the dreaded anti-vilification Inquisitors, thus allowing the Muzzie youth gangs to run rampant through the suburbs in a continuous orgy of rape, pillage, vandalism and intimidation, fuelled by a bizarre mix of gangsta rap and the Word of Osama/Hilaly. The surfies may have over-reacted, but their cause is a just one, the preservation of true Aussie values, and vigilante justice is always the result when the appointed forces of law’n’order consistently fail to protect the community from Alien Forces.
Which story do you prefer? Buggered if I know. The only things I know about Cronulla are what I read in Kathy Lette’s Puberty Blues twenty five years ago. And all I know for sure about south-western Sydney, after getting lost 3 or 4 years ago while trying to navigate from the Olympic Stadium to the F5 freeway, is that it has an awful lot of kebab shops and halal butchers and chappies with black beards and sheilas in veils.
But the best thing of all is that I don’t actually give a stuff. I live 4000 kilometres away, and what’s more I’ve had a Brilliant Idea. Until now it’s been looking like a pretty drack summer for us couch potatoes. It’s non-ratings silly season on the telly and all the reality TV shows are in recess. With Little Leighton in proud new dad mode, Seven’s Summer of Tennis is shaping as a major yawn. Moreover, I can’t seem to get excited about a cricket test series against South Africa. No Alan Donald or Jonty Rhodes, not even the spicy possibility of a bit of surreptitious Hansie Cronje match-fixing. Mind you, the Aussie batting collapse yesterday afternoon looked suspiciously spineless.
But none of it involves blood or robust body contact. For depressed Wallaby fans, our recent experiences of body contact sport have all been on the vicarious receiving end. It’s high time we found a sport where our chosen Gladiators could dish out a bit of good clean biff for a change. I’m on annual leave for the next five weeks and I need to be entertained.
What we really need is for Kerry Packer to embrace an exciting new TV concept: World Series Urban Violence. Sure it’ll cost quite a few million to establish enough O.B camera positions at Cronulla, Maroubra and Brighton-Le-Sands. But World Series cricket cost a pretty penny too, and Kerry didn’t let that stop him. Or maybe Young James might take up the challenge, to restore his reputation after the OneTel debacle and prove to his dad that he has the family Midas Touch after all.
Capturing the mobile random suburban bashings and trashings by the Muzzie gangs will pose some significant logistic challenges. But I’m sure they shoud be able to adapt the technology used for the Bathurst 1000. James needs to employ Hazem El Masri as a highly paid consultant to stamp the streets of Lakemba and sign up a dozen or so Leb gang members on lucrative sponsorship deals obliging them to have infra-red car-cams fitted to their hotted-up Subarus, with satellite uplinks to capture the live action as they roam through the suburbs looking for defenceless Infidels to bash and rape.
Some of the action might be a bit raw for family viewing times, especially the occasional gang rape behind Lakemba Station, so they’ll obviously need to emulate Big Bogan Uncut and screen a late night unexpurgated version. But that can only increase the commercial potential. Perfect viewing for the “Y” Generation when they get home after a hard night of E-fuelled clubbing and want something a bit harder-edged than Rage on the ABC to keep them entertained until the rohypnol kicks in.
Coming soon to your loungeroom! Just watch tonight’s Nine News. And remember, you read it here first. I’m not entirely sure how you’d actually score World Series Urban Violence or work out who won, or even decide whether a game had actually finished or not. I’d be the first to admit the concept needs a bit more development. I’m sure Kerry would welcome your suggestions, so feel free to post them here.