Ask Dr Troppo

[photopress:Dr_Troppo.jpg,full,pp_empty]

Hello. I am Dr Troppo. It has come to my attention that many of you have problems that you haven’t managed to solve by reading magazines or watching Dr Phil on TV. Well, you’re in luck. I can help you deal with these problems in person, here on the internet. Enter your problem in the comments box below and if I have the time and inclination I will give you my advice. It’s that simple.

Before we start let’s get a few things clear:

  • If you put something in the comments box that I don’t like, my receptionist will delete it.
  • I may edit your questions to make them clearer, more honest, or more entertaining. For example "Who does this Dr Troppo guy think he is? What a f*#@ing moron!" might be edited to "Help me Dr Troppo, I got drunk last night and I think I had sex with best friend’s dog."
  • I am a ‘sock puppet‘ not a real person. Just as characters in soap operas can only receive gifts on their TV shows, you can only interact with me here at Troppo. I am not able to marry you or be the father of your children.
  • I am a real doctor in exactly the same way as Dr House is a real doctor. Don’t make me explain this to you.
  • My advice is free. There is a reason for this.
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Nicholas Gruen
Admin
Nicholas Gruen(@nicholas-gruen)
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo,

I recently met a philosopher at an art gallery. He was a very nice fellow, a good bit younger than me and far more successful – having published two good popular books on the philosophy of love and the philosophy of aesthetics (respectively).

He writes in coffee shops in beautiful leather notebooks. They are very nice. And they may be part of the secret of his success. He says that writing in coffee shops is a good way to loosen things up in the brain (which I can believe).

I had a conversation with him about Adam Smith and as a result he has now read the Theory of Moral Sentiments. I have since exchanged emails with him and sent him a url to Troppo. I was going to follow up by quietly wondering if he would give us the odd post for Troppo.

But there is a snag.

He won’t go on the internet. Not at all!

I have the greatest respect for this aversion. Personally I would preferr to have been born in the eighteenth century and clearly he would have too.

But I wonder if he actually thinks he WAS born in the eighteenth century?

Do you think he thinks this? Or is he just trying to let me down gently?

If the former what, if anything should be done about it. If the latter, what, if anything should be done about it.

He used the expression “good old Hegel” but was he just leading me on?

Why haven’t I shown similar discipline and stayed away from the kind of frivolity in which I am probably indulging EVEN AS I TYPE THESE WORDS?

Confused and anxious,

Port Melbourne.

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Dr Troppo will be happy to consider your problem. You will receive a reply on Sunday.

Fyodor
15 years ago

Must…not…bite…

Must…be…strong…

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Bazarov – you clearly have problems. If you do not wish to discuss them with the doctor please leave the waiting room.

Fyodor
15 years ago

Will I have to wait ’til Sunday?

Also, do you have anything to eat apart from these egg and watercress sandwiches?

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Bazarov – You are taxing my patience. What is your problem?

Fyodor
15 years ago

What, apart from the sandwiches?

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Goodbye Mr Bazarov.

Zag
Zag
15 years ago

Dear Dr. Troppo,
Is it true, as Mr Iemma says, that smoking cannabis causes mental illness?
I am really worried
thanks in advance
Zag

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Zag – Dr Troppo is very interested in discussing your problem. To assist him in giving you the best possible answer you will need to explain why you are worried.

Zag
Zag
15 years ago

Well, I am worried because I have smoked quite a bit in the past and I wonder if I am going crazy when I see labour governments going straight to big companies when they quit office and toughening laws on soft drugs.

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Zag – I see. Why are you surprised that Bob Carr has gone to Mac Bank? And why is it so surprising that Iemma is taking a tough stand on soft drugs? Is it just that you don’t approve?

Dr Troppo isn’t convinced that you have a problem he can help you with. He seems to think that you’re just complaining about the state of NSW politics. Dr Troppo does not listen to complaints.

Zag
Zag
15 years ago

Yes. I wanted a release for my anger. I feel better now and I haven’t even had to see the doctor! Thanks, receptionist.

Edward Zelig PhD (UnioI)
Edward Zelig PhD (UnioI)
15 years ago

Dear Mr. Troppo,

Unfortunately due to your continual outstanding debt in regards to fees owed at the University of the Internet, the University of the Internet (subsidiary of E-Lerning.Uzb) would recommend that you desist in using the term Doctor until the fee situation has been rectified.

Indeed, if your account with the University of the Internet is not settled within 30 days the University of the Internet has the legal right to reclaim all valuable course materials (including the pink “GOT THE SMARTZ” coffee-mug(. Also, if this has not been dealt within 60 days, the University of the Internet will consider sterner action, such as considering taking you off our “database of wonderment”, so adored by prospective employers.

However, with the bad news, here the good news. Fortunately, the University of Internet is broad to announced its new loyalty rewards scheme, you’ll now receive a 10% discount on future enrollments, and if you enrol in nine degrees we will give you the tenth one absolutely free. Also, for those in the urge for undergraduate courses, the University of the Internet has just expanded its coverage into a new array of fields. Just to ensure that you will pay promptly and consider further study, here are some of our happy customers.

“It’s really jazzed up my career, it’s provided invaluable insight in those times of crisis. I’ve discovered a new form of horse-trading that has risen my to the top of the pack” – Mike Brown, head of FEMA

“Teaching remedial arithmetic has been a big help to assisting being the best whip the National Party has ever had. That’s why I’m enrolling in “The Wonder of Numbers” this semester. This will ensure that my new party the Liberals will be so impressed that I can count past ten that I’ll be whip quicker than you can say Re-Joyce that Turd from St. George has slipped over Heffernan’s ankle” Senator Julian McGauran

“I’ll be back. Don’t be economic-girly man and take the University of Internet’s intensive in steroid economics, its about a new form of growth. It’s for the now, those advocates of voodoo economics are living in the last century.” Arnold Scharzniegger

Leonid Zelig PhD (UnioI)
Leonid Zelig PhD (UnioI)
15 years ago

Dear Mr. Troppo,

Unfortunately due to your continual outstanding debt in regards to fees owed at the University of the Internet, the University of the Internet (subsidiary of E-Lerning.Uzb) would recommend that you desist in using the term Doctor until the fee situation has been rectified.

Indeed, if your account with the University of the Internet is not settled within 30 days the University of the Internet has the legal right to reclaim all valuable course materials (including the pink “GOT THE SMARTZ”

Fyodor
15 years ago

Oh, that’s just wrong.

I wrote “egg & cress” sandwiches and you changed it to “Vegemite”. For one thing, I wouldn’t complain about Vege ‘wiches, and for another – on a more serious point – I find unauthorised editing of my text highly offensive.

Would the culprit please apologise and return my text to the original.

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Bazarov – See dot point two. Are we clear now?

Fyodor
15 years ago

“clearer, more honest, or more entertaining”

No, we’re clearly not.

Dr Troppo
Dr Troppo
15 years ago

Fyodor – I have reinstated your comment as you wrote it. I have done this as a courtesy because you are apparently unaware of my comments policy.

‘Ask Dr Troppo’ threads operate differently from other Troppo threads. You post your problems, my receptionist screens them, and I deal with them when I have the time and inclination to do so.

If you post comments that are not problems my receptionist may edit them arbitrarily. Her sense of humour is perverse and her methods ruthless. As a result I do not advise readers to post comments that are not problems.

Nicholas Gruen
Admin
Nicholas Gruen(@nicholas-gruen)
15 years ago

But Fyodor,

We don’t know where the Doctor is taking things.

It may turn out that this is all part of a plan. Personally I’m waiting until at least Sunday until I make any criticisms whatsoever.

This coudl all be part of a master plan that could change blogging or even the net itself.

The beginning of something that, in the end with have people thinking “Troppo: blog playground for the pathalogically open minded”.

I hope this interjection is consistent with the receptionists’ comments policy. So far we can only wait and wonder what Dr Troppo will make of it all.

Fyodor
15 years ago

Whatevs.

Kim
Kim
15 years ago

Whatevs Fyodor said.

Yobbo
Yobbo
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo,

There’s a girl I have a crush on, but her father has threatened to bash me with a “billy club” if I attempt to even meet her. What is a billy club and what would be the best way to get the angry father out of the picture?

Yobbo in Western Australia.

saint
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo,

Peope call me a god-botherer. Why is god bothered by me? And what can I do to stop?

Yours
saint in a straitjacket

Ken Parish
Admin
Ken Parish(@ken-parish)
15 years ago

Billy club

A short stick or club, especially a police officer’s club.

Scott Wickstein
15 years ago

Fuck, Dr Nick Riviera is alive and well and has discovered blogging!

Brutus
Brutus
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo,

Should I move and remove my good friend as Emperor of Rome.
He has grown into a dictator and is so much of a megalomaniac he has named birthing of children and a salad after him!

Should I strike and when?

Shylock
Shylock
15 years ago

Dear Dr Shylock,
I struck a contract with a person on quite strict terms.
When should he pay up?

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Brutus, I’m unclear about the timeline we’re working with here. My understanding is that the salad was named after your friend was removed from office. If that’s the case then your problem is solved.

Is this a time travel question?

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Shylock, Dr Troppo prefers not to answer legal questions.

trackback

[…] Comments are now closed. If you’ve got a problem with this you can discuss it with Dr Troppo. […]

Jason Soon
Jason Soon
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo
I am dying to know who Fyodor Bazarov really is? Please, please, pretty please, can you find out for us? Curious minds want to know

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Soon, Dr Troppo does not run a private detective agency.

Dr Troppo
Dr Troppo
15 years ago

Mr Paxton, sometimes my receptionist is a little naive. I am well aware that you are calling me a megalomaniac.

Let’s be clear about this. If you believe that I must submit myself to your moral standards rather than my own then it is you who is suffering from megalomania.

Mark Bannished
Mark Bannished
15 years ago

[comment deleted]

Martin Luther King Jnr
Martin Luther King Jnr
15 years ago

[comment deleted]

The Joker
The Joker
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo
I am stuck and lost in a watchtower with a thief
There’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief.
Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth,
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth.

What should I do? Can you please tell Bob to rewrite my life? It sucks

yours sincerely
The Joker

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Joker, Dr Troppo will be happy to discuss your problem. Before he does, however, you will need to explain yourself in a little more detail.

This is a freewill vs determinism problem is it not? You are a character in a song and feel that you have no control over your own life. Yet you are able to step outside the song and approach Dr Troppo for help.

What is it you want Dr Troppo to do — give you permission to run your own life?

The Joker
The Joker
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo
Yes, I received your letter yesterday
(About the time the door knob broke)
When you asked how I was doing
Was that some kind of joke?

All these people that you mention
Yes, I know them, they’re quite lame
I had to rearrange their faces
And give them all another name

Right now I can’t read too good
Don’t send me no more letters no
Not unless you mail them
From Desolation Row

yours sincerely
The Joker

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Mr Joker, You’re in the wrong place, my friend. You better leave.

The Real Joker
The Real Joker
15 years ago

Dear Dr Troppo
Please ignore that upstart, probably some deranged Dylanologist. How dare he rip off my moniker!

Now, I on the other hand, have a real problem to share.

You see, dear Doctor, I am quite well known, some might even say acclaimed in my profession. Not surprising really, when you consider how lame some of my colleagues are. Some jerk who dresses in a green body suit dotted with question marks and can’t resist leaving clues as to his whereabouts, some guy with a bad skin problem who likes eating his enemies, some other jerk who is codependent on tossing (a coin) … you get the picture.

Anyway here’s my problem Doc. Though I’ve always considered myself more than straight on the Kinsey scale, there’s this guy in a latex suit who wears his underwear on the outside who always goes around beating me up. And I seem to like it. In fact I seem to always want to get into situations where I draw his attention so that he can beat me up. And sometimes I try to beat him up too, not that I actually can, but in a manner of speaking. I’m no match for him physically but I throw bombs at him, spray him with poison gas, lay booby traps for him, that kind of stuff. And I get a kick out of it, and I think he does too.

Now comes the twist. I think I only get his attention because of the profession I’m in. I’ve wanted to retire for a long, long time, old bones and joints and all. I’m getting tired of my gig to be honest, though it has its rewards. But the only reason I’m not chucking lawn bowls in Florida is ‘cos of him. I don’t think he’ll even so much as look at me anymore if I left my profession. And the annoying thing is he’s always so angry at me for not retiring, he’s dedicated his life to making me quit, it seems, yet I would lose his attention if I did. And I get a kick out of being beat up by him and trying to kill him. Though I always stop short of it cos if I iced him, he wouldn’t be there to play with anymore. Instead I’ve been icing the people around him, like his little catamite who swings around in green underwear. He’s hated me for it but I think deep down he loves me too, and he gets a kick out of beating me up, which is why so far he hasn’t killed me.

Well it’s plain that this is a dysfunctional relationship doctor. but what should I do? or are we destined to kill each other one day? Is that the only way to consummate this?

regards
The real Joker

Batman
Batman
15 years ago

I am coming to get you Joker.

Neil Young
Neil Young
15 years ago

Old Man, sorry Dr Troppo,
look at my life I am a like like you, does a man need a maid?

is the damage done by the needle?

Is it harvest time?

I don’t have any photos only the stills which I completed when nashing my teeth in my crosbys

Steve Miller
Steve Miller
15 years ago

I am the joker.
That other person is merely a Zimmerman!

Ken Parish
Admin
Ken Parish(@ken-parish)
15 years ago

Homer

Do you reckon this joke is starting to wear a little thin???

The Real Joker
The Real Joker
15 years ago

Please, ‘Dr’ Parish, my letter is the real McCoy. How could you mistake the rantings of an inarticulate monomaniac like Mr Paxton with my own genuine and coherent musings on my state of mind?

Homer Paxton
Homer Paxton
15 years ago

Excuse me Miss receptionist, is it OK if I ask the doctor about some of my more unusual sexual fantasies? They involve kitchen appliances and tinned food.

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Why certainly Mr Paxton, I’m sure Dr Troppo will be fascinated. Please go on.

Homer Paxton
Homer Paxton
15 years ago

It all started after I read Portnoy’s Complaint… are you sure if it’s ok for me to go on?

The Receptionist
The Receptionist
15 years ago

Yes Mr Paxton, it’s ok. Feel free to go into as much detail as you like. Nothing shocks Dr Troppo. Just make sure you don’t forget about dot point 2.