Every Sunday evening I take time out of my busy schedule to help readers with their problems. As this is the internet, many of my most troubled readers are sock puppets and characters from fiction. This week a character from Batman escapes from the canon to ask my help while Ms Winter from LP wants to know whether I think the government should protect from ‘creepy‘ fan fiction based on tv personalities. And no Ms Winter, no government can protect you from your own emotions.
Mr Joker writes "Here’s my problem Doc. Though I’ve always considered myself more than straight on the Kinsey scale, there’s this guy in a latex suit who wears his underwear on the outside who always goes around beating me up. And I seem to like it. In fact I seem to always want to get into situations where I draw his attention so that he can beat me up. And sometimes I try to beat him up too, not that I actually can, but in a manner of speaking. I’m no match for him physically but I throw bombs at him, spray him with poison gas, lay booby traps for him, that kind of stuff. And I get a kick out of it, and I think he does too."
Mr Joker, why do you assume that your relationship with Mr Batman has a sexual motivation? Many men and women enjoy violent encounters with each other without becoming confused about their sexual orientation.
For example, when Bill Heffernan told Senator Fiona Nash to "blow it out her backside" he was not suggesting that they should engage in some kind of sexual liaison. Nor was Mark Latham attempting foreplay when he crash tacked a taxi driver and broke his arm. The violence here was purely platonic. And I’m sure Mr Keating would be very offended if you suggested that his clashes with Dr Hewson were the result of of unrequited lust.
Of course if you search the web carefully you may find examples of that most exotic of all fanfic genres — politician slash. And in the alternative ‘verse of a fanfic parliament, who knows what’s possible? Perhaps you and your nemesis should consider running for office.
Anna Winter writes "Do you feel that fan fiction has crossed the line and is now in need of legislative intervention?
They should never have been allowed to make this."
Ms Winter, if you find that disturbing then you must be very new to the internet. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Perhaps other readers would like to assist Ms Winter in her campaign to ban ‘creepy’ fanfic by providing other examples of things that should never have been allowed. Ms Winter has expressed a special interest in fanfic based on bloggers.
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Who could pass up such an obvious invitation to write a piece of slash featuring Doctor Troppo and his cool-headed receptionist?
I could, for one.
OTOH, I can get quite creepy on other topics.
Dr Troppo – how will readers know what this is about if you don’t write an introduction?
My dear receptionist – as usual you are right. I have just added a quick introduction to help readers get the gist of what’s going on here.
By the way, do you think Mr Trotsky’s comment is a plea for help or do you think he’s just showing off?
Mr Trotsky – I am curious that you assume erotic fan fiction based around myself and Dr Troppo would qualify as ‘slash’. Please explain.
Why should I assume otherwise, in the absence of any gender identification on the part of The Receptionist? Or Doctor Troppo for that matter – who knows who is hiding behind that graphic of a stereotypical male psychiatrist? Not me.
Mr Trotsky – You are quite right, my gender is none of your concern. Is there a problem you would like to discuss with Dr Troppo?
those Dr Troppo illustrations are definitely pictures of Don Arthur with a beard, arent’ they?
Jason – I hope I don’t usually look that grumpy.
Perhaps you should check that with Doctor Troppo, Don.
Oh goodie, Troppo’s now fun again. Whadja do? Give Rafe a copy a of ‘Das Kapital’ and tell him to go away and take his time fisking it line by line? Anyway, I have a query here.
Oh help me, please doctor, I’m damaged. There’s a pain where there once was a heart. It’s sleepin, it’s a beatin’
Can’t ya please tear it out, and preserve it right there in that jar? Oh help me, please mama, I’m sick’ning. It’s today that’s the day of the plunge. Oh the gal I’m to marry is a bow-legged sow. I’ve been soakin’ up drink like a sponge. “Don’t ya worry, get dressed,” cried my mother as she plied me with bourbon so sour. “Pull your socks up, put your suit on, comb your long hair down, for you will be wed in the hour.
I was tremblin’, as I put on my jacket. It had creases as sharp as a knife. I put the ring in my pocket. But there was a note and my heart it jumped into my mouth. It read, “Darlin’, I’m sorry to hurt you. But I have no courage to speak to your face. But I’m down in Virginia with your cousin Lou, there be no wedding today.”So help me, please doctor, I’m damaged. You can put back my heart in its hole. Oh mama, I’m cryin’ tears of relief and my pulse is now under control.
Hmm, it appears I actually don’t need your services after all. Sorry to have bothered you. Nice waiting room. though. The only one I’ve seen with copies of both “Foreign Affairs Digest” and “Razzle”. Or with a receptionist playing nude solitaire on computer for that matter.
To Don Arthur: When is Dr Troppo coming back?
The Receptionist dropped in to post a comment the other day, so I suspect the good doctor may be making a comeback quite soon.