“Talk to the Hand”. That’s the message the Prime Minister is giving the Australian people as an attempt at a cheerful smile collapses into a Dick Cheney impersonation with the results of yesterday’s Newspoll
What’s going wrong in the house of Howard? Is the greatest politician of our times losing his touch? Who could be to blame? Janet Albrehctsen has a theory. She blames you.
The blame lies much closer to home. It lies in the average Australian home.
We just don’t know hardship like we used to according to Janet, and so now we’re getting complacent. She illustrates her point with bitchy talk about some of the less up-to-date multi-millionaires in her street.
Across large swaths of Australia, hardship is now defined as not owning a flat-screen television.
Well I’ve got news for Janet. The word’s got out. Despite the miracle of Chinese manufacturing that has allowed much of the nation to reequip its fleet of televisions we’ve been disappointed to discover that it ships with the same old talking head.
Sorry Janet, you’re wrong. It’s not about Workchoices, Iraq, or any of those things. But it is about complacency. The Prime Minister’s complacency.
Over the years we’ve taken the trouble to invest in the digital set top box, and the crystal clear flat screen display, and now more than ever we are getting a clear, high resolution picture of John Howard, and what we are seeing is a man just letting himself go. Pass this message onto the PM for us please Janet. It’s urgent!
Prime Minister, it’s not about us mate. It’s about you! You’re looking a bit, what’s the word? Unfashoinable? Can’t you do something about your head? Lose the glasses! Try contact lenses or even laser treatment. Get some Advanced Hair and a bit of a Sam Newman style facelift.
Get yourself a personal trainer, and ditch the daffy walk for some Raybans and Rollerblades. Fit yourself out for some sluggos and get beachside. Lose the wife Prime Minister, and get a Harley and a blonde. Kirribilli is crying out for a major makeover – Think Backyard Blitz and outdoor entertaining in the best address on Sydney harbour, and invite the people of Australia over to see it transformed. We’re looking for inspiration Prime Minister. Show us the way.
You know that Kevin Rudd is beating you hands down with his Sunrise gig. It’s time you fought back with wall to wall Who Weekly and Lifestyle shows. Go the grope on one of those hot hot hoties on Dancing with the Stars, the blokes of Australia will cheer (under their breath). The population will get a growth spurt, and you’ll get the payback in the ballot box.
Prime Minister, you’ve given this grateful nation wall to wall flat-screen tellies, now take advantage of that opportunity. It’s time to face your mid-life crisis like a man.