Ask Troppo’s Love Gods: prognosis for the one night stand

Sometimes I’m overcome with a feeling that Club Troppo’s tone is rather too uniformly earnest and worthy. Dr Troppo’s posts sometimes help to dispel the ennui, but I can’t help thinking more is needed. There’s so much more to life than politics, law and economics. Love and relationships for a start. Judging by the mix of material found in the MSM, most people spend a large slice of their lives talking or reading about dating, relationships, love and romance.

It’s high time Troppo dipped a toe into the murky waters of love, romance, sex and dating. And what better place to start than the SMH’s wildly popular “blog” Ask Sam edited by Samantha Brett? It’s said to be responsible for a large proportion of the online SMH’s daily “hits”. And no wonder. It’s a seething maelstrom of real life melodrama and post-teen angst. Yet the advice Sam and her callow readers actually dispense to their lovelorn correspondents is pedestrian at best. Accordingly we here at Troppo have decided to help. We’ve assembled a team of world-weary but wise and deeply compassionate life counsellors, who will be let loose each week on one of Ask Sam’s romantically (and often intellectually) bereft correspondents.

Troppo’s impressive panel of Love Gods includes Dr Troppo (and perhaps on occasion his Receptionist); arts reviewer extraordinaire Darlene Taylor; legendary pseudonymous blog commenter Nabakov; Jen McCulloch; Nicholas Gruen; erstwhile Troppo author and commenter Geoff Honnor; Saint in a Straitjacket and Rex Ringschott. Of course, they won’t all have time to advise our chosen victim correspondent every week, but we hope to get at least two or three wise and caring panel responses each time, and of course you our gentle readers are most welcome to contribute your own wisdom in the comment box.

This week’s reader problem comes from Ask Sam correspondent Gen (not to be confused with my wife Jen, who is in fact one of Troppo’s Love Gods), who asks:

I happened to have a one night stand on NYE (my first one) and this guy has continued to message me and I’ve been messaging him back. I am feeling like I really could like him and I may have ruined any chances of something deeper because I slept with him the way I did. Is there any way this could work? Is this salvageable? – Gen

Like me, you may detect a faint whiff here of the social attitudes examined by Anne Summers in her seminal Australian feminist work Damned Whores and God’s Police. But not Sam Brett or her pimply readers, their perspectives tend decisively towards the less cerebral. And good job too. But enough of the blatherings of this misanthropic middle aged curmudgeon. What do Troppo’s Love Gods think about Gen’s romantic dilemma?

1. Dr. Troppo

My dear Ms Gen, it is impossible to offer you any real assistance unless I know what genre of romantic fiction you are trying to re-create in real life. If you’re trying to live out the plot of an old fashioned romance — one where lovemaking is postponed until after you’ve established a solid emotional context for the relationship —  then you have certainly failed.

But despite anything inspirational life coaches might tell you, you are not the author of your own life. The supporting characters in your story are busy creating their own dialogue and plotting their own arcs. You don’t get to do that for them. The young man you fancy has probably cast himself as the hero in an entirely different story. Perhaps he sees himself as a slightly older Paulie Bleeker, ready to dive in at the deep end and swim his way upstream for his first passionate kiss? But whoever you and he think you are, neither of you are in charge of the plot line of your little drama. You are going to have to work that out with each other.

While you may not be in charge of your wonderboy’s behaviour you can certainly be in charge of your own. If you don’t want to sleep with him again until you know whether or not he likes you, then that is entirely up to you.

2. Darlene

In this day and age, its shocking to learn that not all females have read The Rules (and The Rules II for that matter). For the benefit of the cheap slut who’s worried about whether shes blown her chances with a bloke because she slept with him on the first date, The Rules is one the most successful guides to securing the heart of Mr. Right ever published in the immensely crowded genre of dating advice books for women.

Ms (shes definitely not a Miss) Hussy broke at least 60 of the 55 rules outlined in the classic compilation of The Rules and The Rules II, The Complete Book of Rules (TCBOR). According to TCBOR:

But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? Does that mean you sleep with him on the first or second date? Unfortunately, the answer is still no. You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here and trust that if you hold off for a few weeks or months, you wont be sorry. Why risk having him call you easy (and think of you that way) when hes talking to his mates in the locker room the next day? Better that he be angry and strategizing (sic) ways of seducing you on the next date than moving onto the next girl.

Whats this fellow lets not call him a gentleman saying in the text messages hes sending to Ms Strumpet: Thanks for the sex on the first date, how about more sex on a second date : )?, Hey tart, dont text me ever again, or R U Up for a 3sum with me and me buddy Wayne ; )?. What we know from The Rules is that hes definitely not saying, Youre an attractive lady, and Id most appreciate your company in a few days time for coffee and cake. Of course, a Rules lady would ignore that text message, or be too busy to make the suggested date. A Rules gal would make him wait, so she has time to rehearse being honest but mysterious. In other words, the tramp worried about whether she has blown it has.

3. Jen

 You ‘happened to have a one night stand’……. interesting way to put it.

Exactly what sort of an accident was it?

1. The robust and direct sex accident? – Hello. You smell great lets fuck.
2. The swoon swept off our feet accident – I’m not really this kind of girl but you are so charming and special and deep that we are destined to make sweet love. or
3. the absent minded did I do that? accident. – Whoops. Now how did that get in there?

and this guy has continued to message me and I’ve been messaging him back.

1. He is messaging you because he thinks you are up for it and a great bounce.
2. He remembers being a sex god and the object of your rampaging irresistable desire – he wants to prove to his mates this state of delerium exists by producing the goods. You.
3. Don’t trust this guy, he is an unfortunate and penniless – seen sober he may be the neurotic loser in the corner.

I am feeling like I really could like him and I may have ruined any chances of something deeper because I slept with him the way I did.

1. Yep you’d be right there, no chance.
2. He’ll go deeper depending on his options – obviously you are the best thing on offer right now.
3. Depends on your compassion, commitment and your ability to follow through.

Is there any way this could work? Is this salvageable?

1. Perhaps if you got down on all fours and gently nuzzled…… Definite possibility for a long term meaningful relationship predicated on secrecy, silence and orgasm.
2. Possible if you can play the ‘You are my love god’ or ‘I am the sex kitten’ gig – but you snivel too much forget it.
3. This guy is a lifestyle choice. Definitely a long termer. He’ll still be sucking your marrow when you are dead.

4. Saint

 Dear Gen,

Thank you for your letter. Love God has advised me that your direct line to him is faulty from your end and has asked me to reply on his behalf.

I confess to never having read how successive generations of Australian women have collaborated in perpetuating this existential straitjacket of being damned whores, so I am perplexed as to how to advise you, even though I too type with my nose. Somehow “embrace your inner slut” does not ring true with my vocation, nor I suspect yours. Besides, if your one night stand can’t hold a phone up to his ear long enough to speak to you, what makes you think he’s able to pick up the bills, the bin, or the baby?

It seems to me that more than your fingers need to do the walking. Otherwise, protect yourself.

saint in a straitjacket
A/g Undersecretary
Ministry of Women’s Liberation
Love God Heaven