Jewish jokes

Yum. My favourite.  

I just got sent this by email from in inimitable Tim Harkowitz.  Others please feel free to add to Troppo’s stock of Jewish jokes in comments.

There is a very pious Jew named Goldberg who attends synagogue every Sabbath. Every Sabbath, he prays: God, I have been such a pious Jew all my life. What would be so bad if I won the lottery? But the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldnt win. Week after week, Goldberg would pray to win the lottery, but the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldnt win. Finally, one Sabbath, Goldberg wails to the heavens and says: God, I have been so pious for so long, what do I have to do to win the lottery?

And the heavens parted and the voice of God came down: Goldberg, give me a chance! Buy a ticket!

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John Morhall
John Morhall
12 years ago

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher Perth Deli, was being questioned by
an ATO agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

‘Why don’t you people leave me alone?’ the deli owner said.

I work like a dog, and all my family helps out.
the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I
made $80,000?’
‘It’s not your income that bothers us,’ the agent said.
‘It’s these travel deductions.
You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.’
‘Oh, that?’ the owner said smiling.

‘Well… We also deliver.’

jimparker
jimparker(@jimparker)
12 years ago

A reporter goes to Jerusalem and visits the Wailing Wall where he sees an old man praying. He respectfully waits till he’s finished, then interviews him. The old man says he has been praying there for 60 years.

“What do you pray for?”

“I pray for love, peace and unity between Jews, Muslims and Christians.”

“And how does it feel?”

“Like talking to a bloody brick wall.”

– trad arr via Barry Cryer.

jimparker
jimparker(@jimparker)
12 years ago

And an oldy but a goldly I just made up.

Q. How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Oh right, so now it’s our problem again?

Disclaimer. I’m a quarter Jewish so under the Nuremberg Laws I can get away with this stuff.

jimparker
jimparker(@jimparker)
12 years ago

And incidentally Michael Chabon’s “The Yiddish Policemen’s Union” is his best book since his last one.

The central character is a honest but fucked up and pissed off detective cracking wise with an inimitable mix of Philip Marlow and Mort Sahl. The deadpan Yiddish funny abounds.

Patrick
Patrick(@patrick)
12 years ago

Many more of the same here; good times.

davebath
12 years ago

Yeah, I should be able to get away with the following joke because
* my daughter is nominally jewish
* I was told this by a female jewish lawyer:

Q: “Why do Jewish men die before their wives?”
A: “Because they WANT to”

FDB
FDB
12 years ago

“Help! Somebody help! My son the doctor is drowning!”

John Morhall
John Morhall
12 years ago

It was Abe and Rachel’s 50th wedding celebration. After the meal and speeches, Rachel jumps to the stage pulls back the curtain to expose a brand new, gleaming Rolls Royce and says “For my lover boy of 50 years.” Abe is overcome, and eventually says to Rachel “This beautiful thing, how can you afford?” Rachel replies that every time they were horizontal clog dancing she would put a dollar into a jar. Abe is mortified, and says “Why didn’t you tell me this already, I would have brought all my business to you?”

Francis Xavier Holden
12 years ago

My mother’s mother was jewish and I’m circumcised – enough to be rounded up so I’m told.

Anyway.

The Mom (it’s a usa joke so not a mum) gives her son, Moshe, two ties for his birthday. He’s pleased. They work with his suits.

He goes to his bedroom and puts one tie on immediately walks out and says to his mom: “Thanks – how do ya like it?”

Mom: “Whats tha matter – you don’t like the other one”?


The oldie but goodie:

Davids mother takes him to the psychiatrist because he has been being a bit rebellious and she wants to know the cause. The shrink explains to her he is being oppositional because he is working through a typical syndrome an Oedipus complex.

His mother says to the shrink: Oedipus, Schmoedipus, who cares what he has, as long as he loves his Mother?

Francis Xavier Holden
12 years ago

I think either nabakov or rex ringschott is hacking under my name for this one.

Danny lived in Caulfield with his reasonably progressive parents. They only had one sink, although they were careful enough were it mattered.

At 19 Danny hadnt had a girlfriend. His parents thought he might have sexuality problems and were sympathetic but a bit concerned. Chiam the youth worker from the liberal mob over in Kew was running a youth camp for Gay Jewish Youth up in the Dandenongs.

It was winter. Danny got a bit drunk and went to sleep outside the tent. In the morning when he awoke, he discovered that a heavy dew was upon him.

jimparker
jimparker(@jimparker)
12 years ago

A couple of Jewish elders catch up with each other.

“Life, how it is for you?”
“Not so good. My son went to Jerusalem on his gap year and came back converted to Christianity.”

“Funny you should say that. My son too, the same.”

“Let us go to Temple and ask Jahweh for guidance.”

“Oh Jahweh, great Jahweh, what are we to do? Our sons go to Jerusalem and return as Christians.”

Then a crack of thunder, a shaft of light and a mighty vasty voice from the air. “Funny you should say that….”

John Morhall
John Morhall
12 years ago

Surely it should be J—-h who gave the guidance?!!!!!

John Morhall
John Morhall
12 years ago

A young jewish man comes home from college for passover, and he says to his parents “I have some good news and some bad news”. His mother says “Vell vats the bad news?” The son says “I’m gay!” She screams out “Oy givold,veis mir, do you hear this Jacob?” The father asks “What’s the good news?” and the young man says
“Well, my boyfriend is a doctor”.

Sinclair Davidson
Sinclair Davidson
12 years ago

Jonathan Sacks, the Chief Rabbi of the Commonwealth, had been worried that the Yeshiva boys were sitting around learning Torah all day, except the Sabbath when they sat around praying all day. All that sitting around and not getting out and doing some exercise must be bad for them.

Rabbi Sacks phones up the head of the Yeshiva the Rosh Yeshiva – and suggests that the Yeshiva boys play some sport. But what sport should they play? Too much cheating in cricket and rugby would give them cauliflower ears and no Jewish girl should have to marry a man with cauliflower ears. But eventually they have the perfect solution rowing.

So the Yeshiva boys start rowing, and in no time Rabbi Sacks and the Rosh Yeshiva think theyve made wonderful progress. So to make things interesting they decide to challenge the winner of that years Cambridge-Oxford boat race. Oxford are challenged and eventually accept.

The big day dawns, but at the very last minute Rabbi Sacks is called away from London and cannot attend the race nor the glorious victory party planned at the Yeshiva. Driving back to London he eagerly listens to the BBC news waiting for the announcement of Oxford humiliation. But nothing. The suspence is killing him, so he phones the Rosh Yeshiva.

Sacks Rabbi, how did the race go?
Rosh Yeshiva Well, you have to understand that its more important to participate than to win. Humility in a Yeshiva boy is very important.
Sacks Ahh, so we lost?
Rosh Yeshiva Unfortunately we lost.
Sacks But it was close? How much did we lose by?
Rosh Yeshiva Four miles.
Sacks Four miles? The course is only 4 miles and 374 yards! How could this happen?
Rosh Yeshiva The gentiles cheated.
Sacks Of course, they cheated but what did they do?
Rosh Yeshiva Well, in their boat one person shouts and everybody else rows.