If you, like me, believe our collective hysteria is needlessly causing the world tens of millions of deaths and enormous unhappiness, you surely need a bit of humour to keep going. So let’s view the whole crisis via a different lens and share the brilliance of UK government covid-19 policy with you!
Social distancing rules have lead to the obvious question of how on earth the sexes are going to find each other and have any fun? One possible policy considered was to encourage people not to start any new relations with strangers, abandoned when it was realised that would in the long run only allow incest as a means of procreation. The new answer is Coronasutra! Please memorise the shown instructions of what positions are allowed and what aren’t. Keep them in mind for your next government- approved date, though the arch position is a risk to your back and you are only allowed to attempt it if you’re an Olympic gymnast.
On the topic of quarantine rules, the UK has just instigated a 2-week quarantine regime for most visitors at the very moment that the rest of Europe is lifting internal border restrictions. It’s a cunning plan by the UK government to destroy any remnants of its international tourism industry or its airlines, both notorious sources of unwanted influences. This timely measure will show British voters their politicians are seriously on top of the virus now, naysaying all that silly evidence about the UK being more likely to export the virus than import it. The move follows the great British tradition of simply demanding the surrender of any problem it can’t solve.
The lock downs have of course been a wonderful way of showing how compassionate we all are towards old and frail people. They are safely locked up alone with no-one visiting them for months, growing insane and incontinent far more quickly than they would otherwise, to die in total isolation. To show how much the government is worried about that incontinence, new mugs have been provided for the isolated wherein they can alleviate themselves and that simultaneously make them feel proud to be British (shown in picture). All for their own good, mind! You wouldn’t want them to risk getting that disease now, would you? And after all, they still have facebook!
Finally, let us not forget the great blessings of track-and-trace! With luck our societies will keep hunting social deviants forever more because you never know the dangerous diseases, thoughts, and words that might come from them. Social compliance systems copied from the benevolent government in Beijing will soon alleviate all in the UK from worries of ever being able to spread anything unwanted again…..