Ask Troppo’s Love Gods: manufacturing magic

Well, last week’s inaugural edition of Ask Troppo’s Love Gods seemed to go well. I certainly haven’t heard from our supplicant reader Gen, so can only assume she was well satisfied with the advice our Love Gods gave her.

Unfortunately, one of our putative Love Gods in Nabakov has found himself otherwise engaged, and feels he won’t be able to discharge the duties of a Love God with his accustomed sobriety and attention to detail. Luckily, we’ve managed to co-opt George St Clair, another legendary expert in the subtle arts of love and romance, to fill the yawning chasm left by Nabs’ premature withdrawal. George is a free spirit who enjoys cool dialogue in hot tubs, talking to his friend the wind in unspoilt Byron Bay and taking his Nova Sterling kit car for a spin down the Great Ocean Road with a lady friend or two. He knows how to respect your personal space while also lighting your fire. We feel privileged to welcome him to the Troppo Love Gods team.

Meanwhile, Rex Ringschott was charged with Gross Misconduct under the Love God Disciplinary Code, after unsubtly propositioning Gen in a very tacky comment box contribution. However, taking a cue from Harbajan Singh and the Indian cricket team, Rex claimed to see this as an unpardonable slur on his integrity and threatened to take his Love God Rod and depart if found guilty. Mindful of Nabakov’s earlier withdrawal, we took a pragmatic decision to downgrade the charge to Misdemeanour Flirting, to which Rex sulkily entered a guilty plea and was sentenced to be severely chastised by Dr Troppo’s Receptionist. What form the chastisement may take is not yet known.

What with all this turmoil in Love God ranks, we’ve hardly had time to think about the romantic needs of our love-challenged readers. Fortunately, the SMH’s Samantha Brett has kept her mind on the job at hand (as did Rex, though in a different sense). Her latest Ask Sam problem comes from a male reader named Shami, who asks:

I was going out with this girl for the past three weeks and it was quite full-on. Then last week it started to die a little. We had a detailed chat and she says that she “really, really likes” me and the “sex is great”, but she still hasn’t felt the “vibe / spark / connection” that she has been looking for. Now she thinks that it won’t work out with us!

After a long chat she was convinced that we haven’t spent enough time together and that she would give it another go. But now I have this feeling that even if we try again it won’t work and there’ll be too much pressure on me to generate that vibe.

I’m really confused and have always been confused with women about what they want.

• What do you (if there is anything) to generate that spark?
• If there is no spark, can it be created?
• What do women usually look for and like in the first few dates (in terms of that spark)?

Our Love Gods’ advice is over the fold:

1. George St Clair

Shami baby, you really hit me where I live with that one. I so deal with this issue all the time. How can she can keep the fire alive in me after we’ve made the earthsong together? So many beautiful people forget a spark comes from two hard substances rubbed together. It’s basic physics, you dig? So you have to be hard for her to spark off you. Yet soft and fluffy like an eagle’s nest to catch the spark and turn it into a fire.

Here’s a few tips I’ve discovered over the years. Challenge her to explore her limits. Is she into breakfast in bed? Or breakfast before you go to bed? Encourage her to explore your boundaries too. Does she have a cool ladyfriend who wants to join both of you and some pawpaw baby oil to break down that patriarch one man on one woman shit?

Remember too, food is the music of love. Why not suggest she spontaneously whip up some angel on horseback action – followed by some oyster and bacon nibbles? Or once the fire is rekindled, an eglet omelette?

Hey Shami my man. Listen real close and listen real good. When you’re eye to eye to with your lady for that moment of ego truth in the hot tub, this is what it boils downs to. She wants you to want her. Yeah, sounds so simple doesn’t it? All the real truths do. But then she’ll want you because you want her to want you wanting her. And when you’ve got her wanting you to want her wanting how she wants to want you to want you, then man you’ve got it made. Sweet things will just pour into your lap. It’s so easy once you know what you want from her wanting you.

Glad I could clear this up for you Shami. Stay real and don’t paint the rainbow anymore. It already comes in every colour of our lives.

2. Dr Troppo

Dear Mr Shami,

Forget about the spark. It’s like the dog that ate your homework in primary school. Most people will use whatever excuse they think will get them out of the relationship with the least pain and drama.

When a woman wants to break up with a man it’s important for her to give a reason that he can’t argue with. If she told you that you dressed badly, spent too much time watching cricket or were disappointing in bed, then you would probably start an argument. Or even worse, you might start groveling. “Don’t leave,” you’d say, “give me a chance and I’ll change.” Then she might feel that it was unfair of her to leave until you’d had your chance to improve. This would be painful.

If she told you that you were physically unattractive, lacking in intelligence or ethnically unsuitable then you would be offended. You would probably start an argument. “You’re so shallow!” you might say. Or maybe you’d call her a snob or a bigot. This would be painful and potentially dangerous. It’s difficult to predict what an offended man might do.

The lack of ‘spark’ is something that’s beyond her control. How can you hold her responsible for not feeling it? How can you argue with her about whether she feels it or not?

However, you may have come up with an effective counter-strategy. You suggested that the two of you should continue with the ‘great sex’ and that she should wait for the spark. Who knows, if you give the spark a chance, it might appear? If she’s prone to feelings of guilt this may buy you some time.

Have your lady friend contact my receptionist. She will provide her with a list of effective break-up lines. Contact me in a couple a weeks and let me know how it goes.

3. Jen

I hope you are taking note of what our venerable love god maestro chooses to reveal about the robust affairs of the love god brethren (and sistern?).  Know that even while love gods are experienced in the mad meanderings of desire it  does not follow that we are wise.  Be wary Shami.  The loving disorder at Troppo makes Mount Olympus look like a committee for the local school fete, although  no-one here has ever actually eaten anyone else’s internal organs.

Absence of organ devouring notwithstanding Shami, if I were you (and I thank God I am not) I would forsake all advice from that direction and work toward a chemical solution. I point you toward the Pharmacy of the Future. Within is a fine new range of synthetic neuro enhancers that will have you and your lovely lady friend thinking and feeling just the way you would both like to about each other and anybody else as well. A small pre- taste from the shelf. Credon the new anti-doubt pill eliminates all suspicion. If this is not enough to solve your problems then you may require something stronger in which case Libermine will free you from that pesky possessiveness you think you want to feel for this woman. If you find yourself still wanting then go for Solox and achieve total emotional independence and a wide circle of intimate partners. I recommend you both follow this course of treatment.
 
I can feel your apprehension.  Shami do not hesitate. Simply contact Reason Online  for a lengthy explanation of this ground breaking loving solution, meditate on the possibilities and  then you may deal with me direct – regarding the supply side.
 
I dont wish to take anything away from you here Shami You obviously possess some very effective persuasive strategies she is still talking to you after all. It is upon these I urge you to draw once again in order to convince your little lady that one small swallow will bring her the bonfire she desires.

4. Saint

Dear Shami,

Love God is presently detained by some extensive smiting in the south west and has asked me to reply to you on his behalf.

Love God regrets to advise that he does not divulge trade secrets re:sparks, nor does he approve of self-styled wannabe love gods who wish to usurp his powers. Love God is rather jealous of his own standing and reputation in that regard, and frowns on impostors.

He attempted to warn you about your impending idolatrous actions but you failed to answer your phone on numerous occasions. No doubt you were too preoccupied during that three-week stint of whoring under ever green tree and your consequent pity-party once you found yourself facing exile.

Clearly, you only have yourself to blame.  Your only option now is to brace yourself for an object lesson on fire from heaven when Love God returns.

In future, you could avoid such unpleasantness by ringing our free 24 hour hotline before you embark on the magical mystery tour called Woman under false pretenses, lest you, once again, find yourself on the wrong side of Love God.  Dial 1300-PROPHET and follow the prompts.  An interpreter service is available each Sunday, without charge, courtesy of your local parish.

saint in a straitjacket
A/g Supervisor
Demand Capacity Management, Lightning
Department of Justice
Love God Heaven

5. Rex

Well Shami,  First things first mate.  Whats with that ridiculous name?  Is it any wonder shes been getting cold feet?  She needs to know that youre a red-blooded Aussie bloke, and frankly. Red blooded Aussie blokes arent called Shami.  Theres plenty of other names that you could have been called. Good honest salt of the earth names, but your parents have to go and call you Shami. Or was it you?  You didnt change your name to that wet-sponge sounding moniker all by yourself did you?  I hope not, otherwise Im afraid that this pro-bono help stuff is just not gonna cut it, and well have to look at premium rates my friend.

For now though, Itll make things simpler, and get you off on the right foot, if you answer to the name of Wayne from now on.  Got it?

Now Wayne.  What is all of this fancy talk about the sex being great eh? Are they her words or is that just the booze talking?   What I want to know is this:  Have you been getting your end in or not?  If you have I frankly dont know why youre wasting my time.  If you havent then thats what Im here for Wayne, to give you a bit of a leg up with the old leg over.

Take if from me.  There are times when sensitivity and a deft touch is called for, but nows not the time.   She wants spark?  Give her one.  A friend of mine sells a little device known as The Tingler,  which works on the principle of the electric fence, but not quite so shocking (youve probably already received some advertising in your email inbox about this).   I can arrange delivery of a special, never to be repeated offer at retail less 15%, and if you can move fifty or more to your friends Ill give you 5% of sales.

Opportunities dont come around often Wayne, and they dont come much better than this.  So forget about whats-her-name.  Youre going places mate, and when you get there, therell be plenty just gaggin to get to know a successful guy like you.    Shall I put you down for a case?