God speechless at outrageous Atheistic slurs
It was billed at the debate to end all debates. The one where the big questions would be finally resolved. Renowned God scoffer, Richard Dawkins verses Australian stuffed-shirt-in-chief Cardinal George Pell were to have it out on the ABC’s Q&A.
Many however were disappointed. Cardinal Pell came away looking the same silly old duffer he always does, and Dawkin’s maintained his cantankerous academic schtick to the end – but no conclusion regarding the existence or otherwise of God was made, despite thousands of dollars of taxpayers money being spent to stage the event.
To remedy this Club Troppo has decided to cut to the chase – bypass the middle men – and put the questions that we all want answered directly to God himself. Club Troppo’s religious affairs reporter Rex Ringschott, in preparation for this unique opportunity has sought advice from neither religious scholars nor physicists but rather has spent literally minutes thinking about the important questions as they relate to us today. Over to you Rex.
Rex R : Oh Mighty God, and Lord of all the heavens and the earth. Thanks for making the time for us today, it really is a great privilege, There’s a lot of interest in the subject of You, and frankly, a lot of things that need to be cleared up.
Firstly though, I wonder if you have a preference as to how you like to be addressed. As you no doubt realise there’s been a profusion of names for your good self: God, Our Lord, Heavenly Father, Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, Akal, Ahura Mazda, Ra – Do you have a preferred moniker?
Rex R : No particular preference? Right, okay, well we’ll go with just God then if that’s alright with you?
Now God, there’s been a awful lot of killing perpetrated in your name over the centuries. With the Christians the Muslims the Jews, and the Hindus and countless others all claiming to have the inside running, being the true followers of God. And in their disagreements with each other about who has proprietary rights over Your Good Self, they’ve committed bloody carnage and dreadful atrocities. So the question on everyone’s lips which we’d like answered today is: Whose got it right?
Rex R : Come on now. Don’t be shy. This is your opportunity to clear it up once and for all. C’mon who’s got it right? The Christian? The Jews?
Rex R : Don’t tell me it’s the Muslims?
Rex R : The Bahai?
Rex R : Oh I get it – Don’t want to create offence huh? Well our readers will be fascinated to learn that political correctness is a big problem in Heaven also. You have our sympathy. I’ll see if I can get Piers Ackerman onto it.
Alright – so moving on. It won’t have eluded the attention of your all-seeing-eye that….You do have an all seeing eye don’t you?
Rex R : Yeah fair call. dumb question. As I was saying, It can’t have eluded your attention that the Athiests have been garnering some interest ‘round these parts of late. They claim, that you don’t exist at all – which is frankly ludicrous given that here you are being interviewed by me this very minute right?
Rex R : Exactly – Now these Athiests say that any idea that you are an intelligent entity with the will and the power to intervene in human affairs and to create the universe with all its incredible complexity in six days or six seconds or however long it took is just not credible.
They say that any concept of god, if you want to believe in one at all, is best conceived of as a collection of physical rules assembled in the vacuum of a bubbling quantum soup in the moments prior to the big bang and now blindly governing the function of our universe which is leading us inexorably and inevitably toward heat death due to the unforgiving effects of entropy.
What do you say in response to these Athiests?
Rex R : Speechless! And rightly so! Might I say that you’ve done well to restrain yourself from smiting them. If it were up to me I wouldn’t be so compassionate.
I suppose you realise by the way that there’s a huge gathering of Athiests in Melbourne right now. I was just wondering if your motivation for granting this interview was to prove your existence to them without doing all of the smiting, which of course you could do right now, and quite efficiently too given they’re all in one place at the one time. Just a well placed lightning bolt from the Heavens ought to do it. What do you say to that?
Rex R : Yeah, well okay I’ll drop the smiting thing. It clearly makes you uncomfortable. The fact that you’re here giving such thoughtful responses to my questions should be proof enough I reckon.
And so to the future. What do you think you’ll be doing 500 Billion years from now? Any thoughts? Plans? Doing any renovation work in Heaven? Any suggestions for Humanity. Any other Commandments you’d like to add while we’ve got the opportunity?
Rex R : Well you can’t blame me for trying. God, I really want to thankyou for giving us your valuable time today – It’s been totally awesome. I got a lot out of this and I know that our readers will also be immensely grateful to you for clearing at least some of the mysteries up. When you’re back in town next it’d be really great if we could continue this conversation ‘cause there’s probably many more questions that I should have asked but just couldn’t think of due to the immense pressure and responsibility of interviewing you.
So maybe if I get my people to call your people – and we can do this again soon. Yeah?
Rex R : Thanks God and all the best with everything. Hope it all works out.